advertisement
i found out later that her son died in 2010. that means she has stood at that podium, staring out into a crowd of weepy parents on the very same stage that he didn’t have the chance to stand on, more than 10 times. that’s a lot of painful reminders. it was a nudge for the rest of us to recognize our good fortune that, yes, we’ve made it this far, thank goodness. it was also duly noted that, this mom, who lost her son so tragically, had found a way to lighten the darkness of her grief by bringing brightness to the spirits of others. but her words, a powerful combination of personal loss and encouragement, further complicated the emotions of an already-complicated day.
advertisement
“pride mixed with anxiety, pleasure with sadness,” is how she describes every grad ceremony she has attended for her kids, noting that these feelings are part and parcel of any significant life change. think of when you start a new job — it can be the perfect storm of emotional turmoil. you’re likely happy to start something new, but perhaps sad to leave the familiarity of the old job; excited to have new responsibilities, yet anxious that maybe you won’t be successful; feeling like a badass for taking a leap into the unknown, while longing for the familiarity of your old role. these are the same conflicting feelings that can happen, says barth, when we decide to move or get married — happiness and nervousness about what’s to come and sadness about what’s being left behind.
advertisement
one of my mom friends said that though she was intensely proud of her son’s academic accomplishments, and absolutely thrilled that he had a bright future, his graduation ceremony brought up feelings of regret that she didn’t finish university, a sense that she hadn’t done enough with her life, and a deep sadness over the reminder that she was getting older. these feelings aren’t always easy to understand and rationalize, and for sure, it’s not all about us — as she talked, my friend said repeatedly that she was genuinely happy for her son, that his achievements were a source of pride and that she couldn’t wait to see what he did next.
but confusing, conflicting, and distressing feelings are a normal part of the process of any transition, says barth. in fact, she explains that although they make us uncomfortable, they also help us to grow and learn new things about ourselves — which is good. there are also techniques to help grease your way through change, she adds, including acknowledging emotions, putting them into words and sharing them with others, and doing things that bring you calm, such as listening to music, exercising or getting a massage.
advertisement
still, no matter how much emotional growth happens during the process of transition and change, it would be really nice to just sink into happiness, without tingles of doubt, or worry or nervousness. to watch my daughter cross that stage and not grieve the passing of her childhood, or worry about her out there in the world or feel my stomach clench when i realize how fast time is passing. instead, to just enjoy the moment, without looking backward or forward. but this is not in a human’s nature, says barth. in fact, we are built to experience many emotions at once.
perhaps, like the mom without her son, the key is figuring out how not to let them cloud the sunny days.