what it feels like: 'still a lot of stigma' for women with alcohol addiction

one day, while at working at a group resident home, o’reilly was injured in an incident involving one of the residents, resulting in a concussion . a year later, after she had transferred to what she thought would be a safer position, o’reilly was injured again. this time, she fell and hit her head on a door frame.

“when i went back to work,” she says “every time there was any type of upset with the kids my brain was telling me, run, run, run .”

up to one-third of individuals who have experienced traumatic events report trouble with alcohol use, according to the u.s. national centre for ptsd . women who have, or have experienced, post-traumatic stress disorder are 2.5 times more likely to experience alcohol dependence or abuse than woman who do not have a similar diagnosis. research also indicates that alcohol use and experiences of alcohol use disorder is increasing among women in general.

what led you to get treatment for alcohol addiction?

i was living pretty harshly, and that’s how i would describe the journey with alcohol. i was nothing like my former self. i had to wake up in the morning to drink just to steady myself and got very little done in my day.  

i used alcohol as my crutch in the beginning, just to deal with the thoughts that were running through my head and eventually, [i] got to the point where i needed [alcohol] in order to operate, but at the same time absolutely, positively hating myself. it had gotten so bad in terms of hating myself that i wouldn’t look in the mirror because the person that i saw wasn’t me. i was quite ashamed and depressed by who i had become while i drank.  

what happened when you tried to seek treatment?

what led to your next attempt at a program?

one night suicidal ideations got me again and i called the crisis line in corner brook. it was such a complete different experience [from the way i was treated at other hospitals]. if i could spread one message in this article besides wanting to help other women, it’s the way i was treated. i saw three different doctors that night. finally a psychiatrist asked, ‘if i can get you on the psychiatric ward, would you take it?’ and i started to cry. all of [my hospital stays] i’d been begging for help, but i would wake up in the morning and they would see that i wasn’t drunk and send me home. this time, i was hospitalized for eight days.

that’s how i worked up the courage to go to oakhill. i was sober [through] the eight day stay [in the hospital] and then another week. by that point, i was close to 15 or 16 days sober. and i thought to myself: this is my opportunity. this is professionally-run — they have medical staff and certified counsellors. so carolyn, you need to go in there and you need to absorb every piece of information that you possibly can to help you on this journey of sobriety.

i was nervous. one of my biggest concerns was that i was older. i would have been 54 at that time and i anticipated there would be a lot of young ladies there, and there was, but there was also someone older than i was. i was also nervous about fitting in, and because of my experience at the other rehab with fights breaking out, i worried if i was going into the same situation. but [i] put all those fears aside and said to myself, ‘alright, this is another opportunity for you to get it right.’

what was treatment like?

probably because of my age, i didn’t like some of the rules there and someone controlling every moment of my day. for example, i’m a diet coke drinker and i wasn’t allowed to have it. i could have one when we went on outings, but i had to finish it before i went back to the house because they had a healthy-living plan. i would think, oh my god. i’m 54 years old. who’s telling me i can’t have a diet coke? i had a bit of an attitude that way.

finally i got it. every time i had counselling before, i would say, yeah, i had a bad childhood … however, i’ve dealt with all that. i’ve forgiven my parents, and i don’t want to go back and revisit that. but that was at a detriment to me. i didn’t realize it at the time, because i really felt that way. in my early 20s, there was a moment when i realized my parents were people first with their own backgrounds that made them the way they were. my mom was the way she was because of an even more horrific childhood then what i had, and she was doing the best she could. i felt no need to go back, but i had never dealt with it.

when that program was finished, how was transitioning back home?

my youngest was not speaking to me at all at this point. my older son, who lived with his dad, still was. my plan was to go back to newfoundland where my sister lived. i was going to find mental health housing there. i stayed at my brother’s place in halifax for about a week and i felt on top of the world — i was definitely on the pink cloud of recovery at that point. and when i came back to moncton, i was only going to be back for two weeks. but the moment i entered this city, i thought, oh my god, i so missed this place and my boys are here, i can’t leave.

what has changed since you were sober?

with my sons, i reach out to them, but i can’t control that, and it’s up to [them] to decide when [they] want to [get in touch]. sometimes i get really sad about it, but then i remind myself, oh, you’re trying to take this back again.

what are your thoughts when you look back?