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hey vaxhole: how covid has infected english

zumping, quarantini, maskne: covid-speak has become a language unto itself.

by dave yasvinski

mar 26 2021

4 minute read

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hey vaxhole: how covid has infected english

zumping, maskne and quarantini: do you know your pandemic slang?

tired of covering up your maskne on a typical blursday afternoon before fighting crowds of covidiots when you’d really rather be home fixing yourself a quarantini and procrasturbating your worries away? you’re not alone.

in addition to taking a wrecking ball to almost every aspect of daily life, the pandemic has infected the very language we use to describe the exhausting experience simply existing has become. a year ago, terms like social distancing and flattening the curve were just entering our shared vernacular. now, covid-speak has become a language unto itself, forcing dictionaries to adapt to our ridiculous reality while eliciting a few sarcastic smiles along the way.

here are some of the wryer ways the english language is dealing with the pandemic.

blursday

the perfect sign of our trying times, blursday aptly encompasses an inability to distinguish the difference between the days of the week brought about by the monotony of isolation. days stretch into weeks and months with little but the weather outside to encourage weary work-from-homers to poke their heads outside occasionally to make sure the world hasn’t stopped spinning.

coronacation

let’s face it, we’re all desperate for a break. so much so that the glass-half-full types among us are trying to inject a little fun into involuntary home confinement by making it sound more entertaining than it is. the term can also be use to describe travel that’s cheaply priced because of the pandemic.

covid-38

this one is an easy mathematical equation used to describe those unlucky enough to contract the virus twice. covid-19 + covid-19… get it? hopefully you don’t.

covidiot/moronavirus/maskhole

there can never be enough terms to describe the subsection of people who, for whatever reason, refuse to follow medical guidance on staying safe during the pandemic, preferring instead to act on whatever impulse moves them at the moment, even to the detriment of others. despite not believing the science, they’ll still hoard more than their share of supplies because, you know, freedom.

covidivorce

humans weren’t meant to spend unending amounts of time isolated in enclosed spaces and we certainly weren’t meant to do it with other, similarly stressed out people — no matter how much we love them. the pandemic can, and has, taken a toll on mental health and relationships in ways that won’t be fully understood for years to come. when the virus causes incurable cracks in the foundation of a relationship, a covidivorce usually isn’t far behind.

covidsomnia

sadly, spending more than a year working in close proximity to one’s bed does not guarantee a good night’s sleep. humans were overstressed and under-rested before the pandemic dropped a dump truck full of new fears on our collective doorstep and far too many of us are tossing and turning instead getting the vital rest needed to tackle another blursday.

fattening the curve/covid-10

if you can’t flatten the curve in your area, you might as well fatten it up by adding the covid-10 to your waistline. comfort eating has been on the rise in the pandemic with refrigerators never far from the reach of idle hands. it’s hard to keep the weight off when it feels like beach season has been permanently postponed.

maskne

masks may help contain the spread of the virus, but the same can’t be said for an annoying case of acne. the term maskne has become a catchall for any skin condition people experience as a result of covering up their face whenever they leave home. often caused by blocked pores and an increase in humidity in the mouth and nose area, the irritating issue probably helps prevent infection by giving sufferers one more reason to stay at home.

procrasturbation

former cnn legal analyst jeffrey toobin helped bring this term to the masses last year when he was caught with his pants down on a zoom call with colleagues. the highly technical term for the process by which procrastination and masturbation become one is gaining popularity as millions of people in canada and abroad have been forced to work from home during the pandemic. overwhelmed with work and isolated from friends — particularly those offering benefits — a considerable segment of the population has been forced to take matters into its own hands.

quaranteens

if you’re unfortunate enough to be a teenager during these trying times, you might be known as a quaranteen, or the equally amusing coronial. quaranteens will probably also be the term we use to describe the wave babies born during the pandemic — coronababies — a decade or so from now when they become teenagers and everyone else is desperately trying to forget the year they were born.

quarantini

with entertainment options few and far between, the quarantini has helped ease the pain of isolation, delivering large quantities of alcohol to stressed out souls. it won’t make you any safer in public spaces, but you’ll probably feel better about your maskne.

vaxhole

far from shunning science, vaxholes were some of the first people in line for a covid-19 vaccine and, man, they will not let you stop hearing about it. the smug sense of superiority of those already inoculated isn’t an endearing trait, but at least the perpetrators (probably) won’t get you sick.

zumping

the only thing worse than hopping on another zoom call is hopping on another zoom call and getting dumped. zumping someone is probably better than using a text message or post-it note to end a relationship, but it’s a competition with no winners. and by the way, quarantinis and procrasturbation are some of the known remedies for an unexpected zumping.

dave yasvinski is a writer with   healthing.ca

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dave yasvinski

hey vaxhole: how covid has infected english

zumping, quarantini, maskne: covid-speak has become a language unto itself.

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hey vaxhole: how covid has infected english

zumping, quarantini, maskne: covid-speak has become a language unto itself.

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