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patios in a pandemic: how to say no without preaching
saying no to invites and feeling good about it is complicated by the fact that everyone has a different level of risk perception.
jul 21 2020
5 minute read
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- why many of us find it hard to move to the next phase of reopening
- how to decline an invitation politely
- how to be assertive without being aggressive
your cousin’s birthday is this weekend, your friends want patio drinks on the same day, and your distant uncle is, for some reason, insisting you come to his beach barbecue.
everybody’s hankering for in-person, mid-pandemic hangouts.
and while these activities were innocuous a few months ago, patio visits and group hang-outs now leave many balancing the tolerance for risk and the desire to be social, which can make saying no to an invite during covid-19 feel, well, really awkward.
“a lot of that awkwardness will depend on how plugged in we are with the situation and how much that worries us,” says steve joordens , a professor of psychology at the university of toronto scarborough.
someone who has health issues, or lives in a household bubble with older folks who may be more vulnerable or have pre-existing conditions, are likely going to be more cautious than say, a young, single person living on their own.
the first thing we have to realize, he notes, is that we’re all on very different spots on the continuum of risk avoidance and sensitivity as we consider something like getting together for an outdoor barbecue.
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as we all think about these things, we come at it from different places and different existences. joordens says it’s important to realize this when we make invites to one another.
why many people find it so hard to ‘return’
normally, our connection to other humans provides a sense of security for us. whenever we go through anxiety or threat of any kind, we reach out to friends and social connections. but covid-19 has taught us to fear other people.
even seeing other people as we walk through a park can cause small pangs of annoyances. suddenly, it’s a showdown and both people are forced to move to opposite sides of the sidewalk.
“we’ve been thinking of people as germ carriers for months and we’ve never really thought of others that way before,” says joordens. “this is starting to cause a reaction in us called single-trial learning.”
for example, whenever we eat anything that makes us sick, we generally avoid it in the future — whether or not it was the food that caused us to be sick. from an evolutionary standpoint, this instinct helped our primitive ancestors to avoid anything toxic, poisonous, or dangerous. today, this reaction is called taste aversion.
“you can develop [taste aversion] really quickly, with just one sickness,” says joordens. “that disgust reaction is a powerful form of learning. at the core, we’ve had a mild disgust to other human beings for a long time now, and now suddenly, we’re getting invites to go on a patio with other people, and somehow, it’s not quite the same as it used to be.”
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even during flu season, we never considered germs as much as we do today. typically, unless someone was coughing and sneezing beside us, the idea that someone could be spreading something that could make us sick — just by standing close by — was just simply not something that crossed our minds.
how do you decline an invite politely?
the one thing you can make fun of without offending others is yourself.
first off, we should be assertive about our own position. “we shouldn’t feel like we’re preaching, but you could say ‘i’m still a little anxious about some of this stuff and i’m just not comfortable going to that step right now. i’m sorry, i’d really like to be there but it would just make me feel anxious and i wouldn’t have a good time anyway,'” says joordens. “so it’s not about them and how they shouldn’t be doing this, but you make it about you and how you’re not comfortable.”
the second approach can be used whether it’s true or just a cop-out. instead of taking ownership of the anxiety of seeing others, say you’re worried about other people in your bubble. he suggests something like, “‘i’ve got a grandmother who i’m going to see in the next two weeks,’ or ‘i’ve got some family members who this could really hurt. i’m worried about them and i just don’t want to take any risks, so i’m being very careful.'”
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joordens says that while the first approach is more honest, it’s important to recognize the difference between being assertive and aggressive.
how to be assertive without being aggressive
say you’re ordering a restaurant and the server brings the wrong order. aggression would be saying, “‘what kind of idiots do you have in the kitchen? what’s wrong with you?’ which turns into an emotional battle with hurt feelings,” says joordens.
however, assertion is simply standing up for yourself — instead of insulting others. it’s saying: “‘hey, i was looking forward to hot fries when they came and these aren’t hot. could i get hot fries, please? i’d really appreciate it.” you can still stand up for yourself and be nice and friendly and polite.
the best way to become comfortably assertive is to practise ahead of time. joordens says preparing a script of what to say helps because in the moment you might feel bad and can stumble on your words. writing things down can help you feel guilt-free.
one way of framing your stance is saying, “‘i know pickering is at stage three, but personally, i’m still at stage one. i’ll get there eventually, but i’m just not there yet,'” he says.
it’s only natural that everyone is at a different place in terms of their own personal risk tolerance, says joordens. however, no one should feel guilty about being cautious. the more cautious people are, the better for everybody in the end.
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“even if your city has moved to stage three, for those of us who aren’t comfortable — i’m one of them — if we say we’re not going there yet, that’s a good thing,” says joordens. “the more people are staying in their homes, the better for society. we’re only going to stage two and stage three for those people who need some sense of normalcy. but the more people can resist doing that, the better.”
diana duong is a writer and editor at healthing. find her on twitter @dianaduo.
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