what it feels like: fighting depression starts with 'naming the monster'
being able to put a name to what ken porter was feeling didn’t immediately fix the problem but it put him on the path to a better understanding of himself.
7 minute read
“your lived experience is a big part of helping people,” ken porter says of his fight against depression and the importance of community.
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ken porter was just a teenager when he began to feel an overwhelming sense of sadness. the sensation, which he now recognizes as an early symptom of depression, was about to become much worse. “for me, the most devastating part of depression is the emptiness,” says the 55-year-old porter, now the national program manager for the mood disorders society of canada. “it was a big void where you don’t feel anything. you don’t enjoy the things you usually do. you don’t feel connected to your friends or family — you feel alone. it isolates you.”
according to the canadian mental health association, one in eight canadians will be affected by depression at some point in their lives. the disorder, which manifests differently from patient to patient, can cause a persistent feeling of sadness and a loss of enjoyment in activities that were once pleasurable. without treatment, the symptoms of depression can worsen and lead to self-harm (or worse); with treatment, including medication and therapy, most people begin to feel better.
although porter’s doctor wasn’t initially concerned there was anything seriously wrong with him, his fluctuating mood was becoming obvious to family and friends. “it was easy to tell when it would appear because i would literally withdraw,” he says. “i wouldn’t hang out with my friends. i wouldn’t want to go out with family. i didn’t enjoy eating.”
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while modern anti-depressants can be an effective treatment for depression, when porter was prescribed them more than three decades ago, fewer options were available and little was known about the impact they might have on teenagers. “it didn’t have the desired effect,” he says. “when i was a teenager, i did have a suicide attempt as a result of my battle with depression. it was really overwhelming.”
understanding a depression diagnosis
it would be another two years or so before porter finally sat down with a therapist and received a diagnosis. being able to put a name to what he was feeling didn’t immediately fix the problem but it put him on the path to a better understanding of himself.
“it’s like you’re naming the monster, right? if you know its name you can start to control it. it doesn’t make everything go away but it allows you to seek treatment specifically for your condition and start educating yourself on what you should do.”
he’s learned a lot since then, particularly about the insidious nature of depression. one of the worst things about the disorder, he says, is the way it lies to you and makes you believe things that aren’t true. “i recognize it as an illness. it helps if you can see it that way because it prompts you to do something and to get treatment the same way you would for any other illness. it’s when you’re younger and don’t know any better that it becomes completely overwhelming. you just want to stay in bed and sleep.”
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what a lot of people don’t understand about depression is that the disorder also takes a physical toll on the body. “it’s painful,” he says. “we think about the psychological aspects of depression but it causes physical pain. you can have aches and pains around your joints and muscles. it affects your body so that you don’t want to move. it encourages you to stay still, which is the worst thing you can do.”
depression treatments: learning how to actively engage
his early encounter with anti-depressants prompted porter to avoid trying them again for a long time, a decision he now regrets. once he finally began to see depression as the illness it is, he knew he had to make some changes. fortunately, anti-depressants had come a long way since his teenage years and he was happy to see there were more effective options available. “i went to see my doctor and, after a couple of tries, i got on some good medication that works for me,” he says.
since then, he’s learned some coping and support mechanisms that he leans on when times get tough. “they’re essential,” he says. “the biggest thing is being able to recognize the symptoms and know that you’ve got to engage. because of that, depression doesn’t impact my life as much as it used to, but it’s still there. it doesn’t really ever go away.”
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to ensure he stays on the right path, porter stays physically active by heading to the gym and going for walks — something he never thought he would do. “i used to laugh when people told me it would make me feel better,” he says. “but it’s 100 per cent true and there’s actual evidence to back it up now. walking has a significant impact on your mental health. if you listen to the illness and stay in bed and do nothing, it will get worse.”
he also recommends getting a dog, if you can. not only are they sensitive to the shifting moods of their owners, they’re extremely good at getting them to venture out into the great outdoors. “my dog would come and stand in front of me, staring me in the face,” he says. “then she’d go and nudge her leash that’s hanging by the door and just stare at me until i would take a walk with her. she loves it and it’s good for me.”
strength in numbers: building a community around depression
forging a career while fighting depression isn’t easy but porter spent years as a social worker helping others with their mental health struggles. now that he’s doing the same for the mood disorders society of canada, it’s clear that he has affinity for helping others who are struggling with a subject he knows well.
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“your lived experience is a big part of helping people,” he says. “talking to somebody who’s been through the same thing you’ve been through is extremely helpful. i think that made me better at my job throughout my career and kind of led me down this path.”
the mood disorders society of canada is a national non-profit charity that puts a premium on this kind of experience as it advocates on behalf of people with mental health struggles. in addition to raising awareness about the treatable nature of mood disorders, the organization works to reduce discrimination and help create stigma-free programs for those who suffer from mental illness.
“most of the staff, including myself, has battled with mental illness at some point,” porter says. “so everything we do is focused on that kind of philosophy and approach. it’s not about us and them, it’s about us and everything we do and how important it is to have people that are impacted by the thing you’re talking about sitting at the table when you’re talking about it.”
they’re also starting a network of community mental health organizations to help support smaller groups that are desperate for funding in the wake of the pandemic. “those little independent community mental health organizations have been under-supported for a long time,” he says. “we’re doing our best to empower them to kind of speak with a unified voice. we’re trying to support them because they spend most of their time searching for money to keep the doors open and they shouldn’t have to do that.”
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this kind of united front will be vital to addressing the mental health crisis caused by covid-19. according to porter, the rate of diagnosed depression in canada doubled during the pandemic while the rate of anxiety quadrupled as people were forced to isolate at home. “it was completely overwhelming during the pandemic — there was an unprecedented demand for services and support,” he says. “the most important thing for a lot of people is actually going out for a walk, interacting with people and engaging in activities. now all of a sudden, you’re telling somebody who has depression to stay at home. it just makes things worse.”
the endless fight against depression
for anyone who suspects they may be feeling the effects of depression or another form of mental illness, there is help available. porter recommends seeing a doctor as soon as possible and exploring your options. there are also plenty of effective anti-depressants on the market, meaning if one doesn’t work for you, another might. it’s also important to see a therapist, if possible, something that has helped porter and countless other canadians get back on their feet.
he also recommends putting in place a lifestyle that will help you fight your way through the tough times. “it’s going to be hard but you have to put in the work to get to the other side. this includes physical activity, eating properly, being engaged and stepping outside of your comfort zone on the days you don’t want to do anything. you have to acknowledge that it’s an illness and seek treatment — that’s the most important thing.
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“there’s help available. go get it.”
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