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what it feels like: 'i've learned to take back control' of obesity

tanya bender says she first noticed her weight when she was 12. she was growing up, her body was changing and, while she was a bit bigger than the other girls in her school, she was not overweight.

by robin roberts
published oct 20, 2022
last updated jul 31, 2023
read time 5 minute read
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read time 5 minute read
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what it feels like: 'i've learned to take back control' of obesity
participating in "diet culture" did not help tanya bender to address her emotional connections to food. supplied
tanya bender says she first noticed her weight when she was 12. she was growing up, her body was changing and, while she was a bit bigger than the other girls in her school, she was not overweight. but when kids started calling her names and making derogatory comments about her weight, she felt she had to compensate by being funnier, nicer, more well-liked. “i had to be more than the average person in order for people to overlook my weight,” she says. bender now actively supports others with their weight loss goals. this interview has been edited for length and clarity. 

where does obesity come from?

i struggled with my weight for at least 35 years. i noticed my weight when i was 12 years old, because of things other kids said, as well as the media, to some degree. when you’re starting to blossom and having relationships, you want to be attractive. i thought others were more attractive because they were thinner. but i look back at that 12-year-old girl now and she’s perfectly fine. she was growing and changing in ways that felt uncomfortable.
our language in supporting children growing up probably isn’t telling them that it’s normal to feel uncomfortable, and that your body is going to change every year because you’re a growing individual. because of that lack of supportive information, i manifested it in a very negative way when it didn’t need to be that way.

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my eating habits also changed. i went through a traumatic time — my parents were splitting up, and i started turning to food for comfort. year after year, that became my go-to as things were happening. high emotion, low emotion, you name it, i was becoming an emotional eater.

is obesity genetic?

being overweight runs on both sides of my family. i wouldn’t say extreme obesity, necessarily, but definitely the ability to put on weight easily. my aunts, my mom, my nana have all struggled with weight. it is scientifically proven that there is a dna link to obesity. there have been some studies showing even an adopted child in a [healthy] environment is larger. but that should not overshadow an unhealthy relationship with food. i do believe there are some underlying addiction issues as well and mine have manifested in food. i can now say with utmost confidence, without hiding it: i have an unhealthy relationship with food and i used it to self-soothe.

how does obesity affect health?

i went on a lot of “diet culture” programs. i was on weight watchers probably 15 times. and even though i might have lost weight in some of those programs, none of them were successful because none of them addressed the underlying connections that i have to food — the emotional connections, the stress connections. and none gave me the tools to unpack that to see it for what it is, and how not to allow it to be a contributing factor in my life anymore.
powered by
obesity canada
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at my heaviest i was 317 pounds and had some health issues. i have had high blood pressure. i was insulin-resistant. i wasn’t considered pre-diabetes, but i was getting close.
since i learned about the high metabolic clinic, which i now work for, i’ve lost about 104 pounds over two years. the clinic approaches obesity using three components: nutrition, mindset and medicine. over at least a year-long process, you focus on nutrition and consistency. a big factor with people who struggle with their weight, as it was for me, is being inconsistent with nutrition. i was either all-in or all-out, trying to eat really well and then going back to old patterns of overeating, over-indulgence, just throwing in the towel and then starting again. it’s that hamster wheel of doing well and then falling back off.
diet culture has brainwashed us to think weight loss happens quickly, but we all know it is not sustainable.
we need to get rid of the noise of diet culture and what it tells you. we need to get back to the basics of nourishing our body, doing it consistently and getting comfortable with the uncomfortable of wanting it to happen quickly.

obesity is a disease

the biggest misconception about people who are overweight is that they’re lazy, undetermined, unmotivated. that couldn’t be further from the truth.
powered by
obesity matters
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some of the most motivated and determined people i’ve ever met are overweight and have been overweight. i think the reason they are so determined and motivated and driven is that they know like nobody how to fail. they’re constantly failing, because many of us who are overweight are always trying not to be overweight and we continuously fail and that doesn’t feel good. but we still pick ourselves up, brush ourselves off and try again. and that is driven, that’s no lack of motivation. people of a normalized body weight do not understand the complexities of being overweight. there’s a brain-body connection. your thoughts are so powerful and they direct how you feel.
i’ve learned to take back control. i now realize that eating this food in this moment of excitement or this moment of despair is not serving me, it’s not changing the situation i am currently in. i was able to really understand my brain and how connected to processed foods, baked goods in particular, my brain was. so when i would eat a butter tart or a brownie or cookies, i’d get a shot of dopamine that would go off in my brain and it liked that. and then my brain said, do that again. it remembers, it knows the last time you were sad or really upset this is what you did and it made you feel better. when you start understanding how your brain is working and connecting to these foods, and you’re looking at yourself from a clinical point of view versus a place of shame and blame, it really allows you to tackle the problem in such a different way.
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if anybody feels that shame, or blame of not facing it because you screwed up or failed again, do some research and get the right help you need to escape diet culture and address those three components. get support in nutrition, in the psychological component and the medicine.
that’s why i wanted to become part of this industry, because knowledge is power.

more obesity stories:

obesity and overweight: causes, symptoms, treatments
why is obesity more dangerous for men than women?
what it feels like: living with obesity
living with obesity: ‘love yourself, no matter what size you are’
—
robin roberts is a vancouver-based writer. 
find more stories on obesity and what it’s like to live with obesity by clicking here.
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