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home / 世界杯决赛2022

sex files: how to date a recovering addict

when my friend marie, a food and beverage writer, met t...

by simone paget

feb 21 2022
read time 3 minute read
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when my friend marie, a food and beverage writer, met tony, she was instantly taken in by his kind nature and sparkling blue eyes. they’d met while out for dinner with mutual friends. while the rest of their dinner table indulged in cocktails, he ordered sparkling water. she knew he didn’t drink alcohol, but it still caught her by surprise when he shared on their first date that he was a recovering alcoholic. she spends her days writing about wine pairings and celebrity whiskey launches. could she date someone in recovery?
judging by the abundance of reddit threads that address this exact question, it’s clear that marie isn’t alone. when one person is a recovering addict and the other isn’t, how should they go about dating, mating, and relating, if at all?

to gain some insight, i spoke to sarah o’brien, an addiction specialist with ark behavioral health . as o’brien explained over email, a general rule of thumb is that you shouldn’t date someone who is in early recovery. that refers to the intense adjustment period when a person is most vulnerable to triggers, mental health issues, cravings, and relapse.

introducing a romantic relationship during these early days of recovery can be difficult. “romantic relationships can bring up issues with self-esteem, family trauma, emotional issues, and more, distracting a person from focusing on recovery,” she says.
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early recovery can last a year, two years, or more. as o’brien notes, “early recovery can look different for each person in recovery from addiction.”
with that in mind, if you’re considering dating someone who is a recovering addict, here are a few things worth noting.
addiction is complex.
when it comes to addiction, o’brien says, “it’s rarely a single-sided issue, and typically involves a range of mental health factors, experiences from childhood or young adulthood, physical dependency, and much more. dating a person in recovery takes patience, an understanding of these issues, and the ability to provide space for them to continue to work through the problems that led to addiction.”

give them space.  

recovery is a process. regardless of where they are in their recovery journey, you need to be comfortable giving them plenty of time and space to focus on their sobriety. “encourage them to share their experiences with you, ask them questions about their recovery, offer emotional support, give words of affirmation, and make time for individual growth and social experiences,” says o’brien.

take things slowly.  

don’t pressure the other person to speak about their addiction or move quickly in the relationship, before they’re ready. “it’s best to take things slow, allowing plenty of room and time for these conversations and individuality,” says o’brien.
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be mindful of triggers.
it’s helpful if you talk to your partner about their triggers (the internal or external stimuli that creates a desire to use drugs or alcohol again) and create a plan to manage them together. “if you can’t completely avoid them, find ways to make the situation more manageable. for example, if your partner’s family always drinks at gatherings, you might consider staying only for a short time or bringing your own beverages,” says o’brien.
find healthy things you can do together, like exercising, practicing mindfulness or discovering a new hobby. as o’brien shares, “the more you communicate with your partner, the better equipped you’ll be to tackle the triggers as a team.”
however, remember that you’re not their caregiver or therapist. their triggers are not your responsibility. “some people feel responsible for their partner’s sobriety, but it’s ultimately their responsibility to pursue their sobriety, not yours,” says o’brien.
understand that their readiness to date is not about you.
at the end of the day, o’brien says that there is no hard and fast rule for when a person is ready to date during recovery. “it’s a personal decision that should be made when that person is in a healthy place physically and emotionally.”

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a recovering addict can’t date (healthily) until they’ve worked through the underlying causes of the addiction and built a stable support system of platonic relationships.
“once they feel secure in themselves and their support system, they may be ready to date again,” says o’brien.
and if they’re not quite there yet, don’t take it personally.

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