millennial couples are sleeping apart to stay together. why sleep divorce is surging
do separate beds make for happier couples? a look at the research behind this growing trend and other sleep aids
7 minute read
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this feature is part of a national post series by health reporter sharon kirkey on what is keeping us up at night. in the series, kirkey talks to sleep scientists and brain researchers to explore our obsession with sleep, the seeming lack of it and how we can rest easier. sleep scientist and psychologist wendy troxel prefers “sleep alliance” over “sleep divorce” as the preferred way to brand the growing trend of couples opting not to bed-share. divorce carries a negative overtone that suggests sleeping apart is a sign of a dysfunctional — sexless or loveless — relationship.
“now, how judgy is that,” troxel said in a tedx talk. studies suggest that when poorly slept, people are more prone to engaging in behaviours that aren’t great for a happy union largely due to disrupted “emotion regulation,” troxel and other sleep researchers have reported.
they become more irritable and hostile. more judgy. for some, a sleep divorce is a rather old-fashioned sleep hack, but it appears particularly popular among millennials. interest is also blossoming in decidedly more techy sleep-trackers — wearable wrist, head bands or other devices that claim to measure sleep, although there can be a “remarkably high degree of variability” in their accuracy.
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here’s what the science says about sleep divorce, sleep trackers, the 10-3-2-1-0 rule and other strategies people are trying to deal with sleep problems.
do separate bedrooms make for happier couples?
couple sleep has been a neglected topic, german sleep researchers once noted. while sleeping in pairs had its evolutionary advantages (a sense of physical and emotional security against potential attackers) and bed sharing can be an expression of intimacy, couple sleeping doesn’t always benefit “couple functioning,” they wrote.
people bring different sleep habits into a relationship that don’t always match. moreover, one partner’s snoring, twitching, restless legs, apnea, body heat or other nocturnal disruptions can be problematic for the other. “research indicates that up to 30 per cent of an individual’s sleep quality (or lack thereof) is influenced by their partner’s sleep,” troxel wrote in a public education brief released by the sleep research society.
on tiktok, videos related to #married couples/separate rooms have become among the most viewed. “my husband performs what i can only describe as a crocodile death roll every time he needs to move in bed,” one woman shared.
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in one study of 48 british couples, men showed a significantly greater number of discrete movements during sleep than did women, and women reported being disturbed more often by their partner than was the case for men (although most couples reported sleeping better together than alone). spouses of snorers also report more sleeping problems, insomnia and daytime sleepiness.
other research suggests poor sleep increases a couple’s inflammatory response to marital stress.
in one study, researchers with the ohio state university college of medicine found that when both partners got less than seven hours of sleep the previous two nights, the couple was more likely to behave more negatively when discussing a marital issue. the levels of two proteins that drive inflammation in the body and that have been linked to cardiovascular disease, diabetes and other chronic conditions increased for every hour of lost sleep, according to their blood samples.
however, other studies have found that, for young, healthy couples, co-sleeping was associated with better subjective — meaning self-reported — sleep quality, increased total sleep time (based on four nights measured in a sleep lab) and more rem or rapid eye movement sleep, which is important for memory and learning.
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still, an american academy of sleep medicine study found 35 per cent of 2,005 adults surveyed sleep in another room “on occasion” or consistently to accommodate a bed partner. almost half (43 per cent) of millennials (people aged 25 to 44) do so. homes with two master bedrooms are becoming more popular, and empty nesters are converting their kids’ old rooms into their own separate bedroom suite.
author of sharing the covers: a couple’s guide for better sleep, troxel said a sleep alliance can also be achieved using earplugs, white noise machines, separate bedding “to quell sheet-stealing” or other approaches that don’t necessarily require separate beds or rooms.
how reliable are sleep trackers?
wrist-worn or ring-worn devices combine information from limb and body movement, heart rate and temperature sensors that purport to measure total sleep time, total wake time and sleep efficiency. they’re far less cumbersome than lab-based sleep studies that use a technique called polysomnography to record brain waves, blood oxygen levels, eye activity and other metrics to distinguish between “awake” and “asleep,” and how much time is spent in different sleep stages.
however, the proliferation of wearable sleep trackers has come with little third-party validation of claims.
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in one study, researchers at west virginia university’s rockefeller neuroscience institute tested eight popular sleep trackers on five healthy adults (two men, three women) who wore the devices for a total of 98 separate nights. data collected by the wearables was compared to data collected by a home-based, eeg-based device.
all in, total sleep time, total wake time and sleep efficiency were measured with greater accuracy by fitbit ionic and oura smart ring, “whereas all other devices demonstrated a propensity to over or underestimate at least one if not all of the aforementioned sleep metrics.”
all of the devices struggled to accurately quantify sleep stages, including deep sleep, which the authors said wasn’t surprising given the most accurate way to assess sleep stages is via electrical signals from the brain from eeg.
still, “understanding current sleep habits, from the average time you go to bed and wake up, to the average amount of time you are awake in bed, can be enlightening” and potentially used to better one’s health, the researchers said.
but if the data aren’t accurate, it may not be so beneficial. sleep scientists are increasingly concerned with our excessive pre-occupation with sleep. one study published by a university of oxford group looked at whether giving people with insomnia sham or fake feedback about their sleep influenced how they felt the next day.
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sixty-three people were fitted with actigraphy devices that measure cycles of activity versus non-activity. those given a “negative” sleep score upon wakening reported being less alert, moodier and sleepier during the day than those given a positive score, even though both groups got the same amount and same quality of sleep.
the findings could have implications for sleep trackers that claim to measure “objective” sleep but provide inaccurate data compared to gold-standard equipment, the authors said. “inaccurate feedback about sleep may affect hundreds of thousands of people every day, globally, driving biases in the appraisal of daytime function,” they wrote. and while they focused on people with insomnia, wearable trackers or under-mattress sensors might risk making decent sleepers poor sleepers.
what’s the 10-3-2-1-0 formula?
ten hours before bed, no caffeine (it takes roughly that time for the effects of caffeine from your last cup to wear off). three hours before bed, no food or alcohol (alcohol is associated with lighter, lower sleep). two hours, stop working. one hour, turn off all screens and wind down; engage in something relaxing, like reading, meditating or brushing your dog. zero, the number of times hitting “snooze” in the morning.
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other studies recommend no napping, because naps can reduce the homeostatic drive for sleep at night, avoiding sleeping in on weekends (body and brain prefer a regular sleep-wake schedule) and waking every day at the same time. a consistent wake time means consistent “first time to light exposure,” psychiatrist and sleep medicine specialist dr. michael mak told a virtual audience as part of a canadian sleep society lecture series. morning light exposure stabilizes the internal body clock, leading to better daytime mood and better sleep at night.
try to avoid ruminating about the past, the future, something said or not said, when trying to fall asleep. mak suggested thinking about your favourite fruit: “the texture, the skin” — mundane things that replace stressful things. research has also shown that weighted blankets, that sensation of being swaddled like a baby, activates the parasympathetic nervous system, calming heart rate and breathing.
another way to lower heart rate? avoid reaching for a smartphone when waking in the middle of the night. “and what do (people) do? ‘let’s see what’s on facebook. have i gotten any messages? maybe i’ve gotten an email from my boss.’ there is no universe where you need any of that information in the middle of the night. there’s none. there’s none,” psychologist and clinical sleep specialist dr. michael breus said in a quartz podcast.
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“it’s the engagement we want to avoid.”
national post
rest easier: your sleep questions answered
join us friday, dec. 13, from noon to 1 p.m. est, for a live q&a chat with dr. michael mak, staff psychiatrist and sleep medicine specialist at the centre for addiction and mental health in toronto. a fellow of the american academy of sleep medicine, mak can provide an expert answer to your sleep questions and concerns. register now
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