how to talk politics without going into a rage

• why talking about politics these days feels so emotional
• active listening and social reciprocity: how to talk politics without ruining relationships
• how to get someone to rethink their political stance

if the pandemic chaos in the united states isn’t enough to keep you glued to your newsfeeds, surely, the election is. between president trump’s orange-ness, his recent covid-19 diagnosis and debates with joe biden, there’s a lot to keep up on. but while politics may be giving us a welcome distraction from the doldrums of isolation and adding variety to the conversations we now yell at each other six metres apart, it turns out that hard news and politics are bad for us.in a 2017 study, dutch researchers found that watching hard news helped inform citizens on their political perspective, but significantly affects mental well-being. for every week they followed the news, well-being fell by 6.1 per cent with every additional television hard news program they watched.a 2019 plos one study on 800 americans found that politics caused stress for 38 per cent of those surveyed. more than a quarter (26.4 per cent) said they became depressed when their preferred candidate lost, one-fifth (20 per cent) said politics has damaged a valued friendship, 11.5 per cent said politics had adversely affected their physical health, and 18.3 per cent said they’ve lost sleep because of politics.but there’s more. not only is following political happenings stressful, having discussions with others about the decisions and blunders of politicians and what we think they should — or shouldn’t — do, ups the chances we may say something that makes our conversations a bit prickly. add this touchiness to the fact that we are living in one of the most anxiety-ridden times of this era, and, well, it hard to think — and behave — rationally.

anxiety takes our filter away

anxiety generally makes our limbic system — the emotional part of our brain — active, says steve joordens, a psychology professor at the university of toronto scarborough. it leads to less blood flow to the front lobe of our brain, where our decision-making, rational and strategic thinking takes place. it’s also what helps us pay attention to what we say and how we act. in other words, anxiety has us saying whatever comes to mind, and that’s not necessarily great for making friends.“we’re not so good at inhibiting right now because that part of the brain is disabled,” says joordens. “we’re going into these situations primed for a fight and with a lower ability to inhibit and be subtle in our language. we say things we might not normally say and that lights up the fuse.”and in this current political climate, when people are unable to agree on basic facts, like whether there is an ongoing pandemic or not, he says it’s even more difficult to have a rational discussion.“when someone says there’s no pandemic or it’s no worse than the flu, we’re kind of lost because all we can say is, ‘well, you’re wrong,” says joordens.

rationally speaking

so what are the ways to talk politics and anything else that may feel a bit touchy without getting into a tight ball of rage — and really disliking the person you are talking to?first, expect some kind of collision. conversations are usually an exchange of perspectives, but when there are big differences, there’s likely to be a clash, says joordens. rather than trying to exchange perspectives, take time to listen and understand the other person’s thought processes.“this is especially good if you think the facts are on your side,” he says. “then, what you believe is that the other person is being ruled by emotions, not by logic or rationale.”the trick is to focus on active listening as opposed to talking. avoiding judging and dismissing them, is also effective. instead, ask them to explain why they feel the way they do.“when you tell someone, ‘i really want to understand what you’re thinking, please make me understand,’ that tends to diffuse emotions,” he says. “you’re now giving them the challenge of defending their position rationally.”this aspect of listening is especially important if things are getting a little hot around the collar, says joordens.“when someone is really angry, what they often really want is to be heard,” he says. “if you say, ‘okay, tell me, i will listen to you carefully and try to understand you,’ that almost immediately brings a person down because they have to use their rational mind. you’re asking them to defend their perspective which requires the frontal lobe, which, in turn, suppresses the emotional reaction and brings the heat down.”logic also helps. if their political position is based on emotions, it’s going to be hard for them to defend it. joordens says the best way to get someone to revisit their perspective is to ask them to logically defend it — rather than shoving your perspective in their face.

now it’s my turn

once they’re done talking, it’s your turn to share your perspective. but how do you shift the conversation? joordens suggests saying something like: “i do understand your position and i guess i can see the reasons why you believe things the way you do, but can i now explain to you my position and why i believe it?”it’s called social reciprocity, and basically it means that since you have listened with patience, the other person now owes it to you to listen to your perspectives.“when someone does something for us, we are in a position to ask for a favour in return,” he says. “you’ve listened to them, now they should listen to you with the same respect.”

family feuds

and while using rationality as a model for having tough conversations is important with people you pass on the street, or with the neighbour sitting on his porch three houses over, it’s especially important when you are dealing with a family member or close friend whose relationship you care about. finding a different topic to talk about — perhaps something innocuous, like fashion or the latest cat meme — can lower animosity and help you both move past the debate and cool down a bit.it’s also never a bad a idea to reinforce that you value them as a person, despite the perspectives and views they hold.joorden suggests saying something like, “‘we’re family [or friends] and i have so many good memories with you,'” adding that it’s important to address the triviality of the topic when put against the value of your relationship — something like, “‘this is short-term political bs that we’ve gotten wrapped up in, we can’t allow that to be bigger than us.'” and to wrap up, “‘i’d still love to talk to you rationally about this, but i’m not cool with this coming between us because it’s just not worth it.'”dduong@postmedia.com | @dianaduo
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