i always feel a bit uneasy about this time of year. it’s when we’re meant to focus on our personal health and self-improvement. there’s the ask: what’s your resolution? but the unsaid, shadow part of that question is often: how are you fixing yourself this year? how do you intend to become prettier and thinner, more productive and less gross?
i, for one, am tired of myself. i am tired of spending so much time in my own company amid a pandemic that has blown us apart and into separate bubbles. i am tired of staring at my face in zoom calls. even if covid-19 never happened, i’d probably still be a little tired of myself after years of anxiously wondering about how i should make myself better.
and so after a scary year, a sad year, a cruel year of disconnection, i don’t really feel like focusing on
me
— maximizing my workout routine or hacking my schedule or optimizing a damn thing. in a year where people’s lives and livelihoods crumbled, i’d much rather focus on, well, what’s out there.
i’m mostly healthy, if a little down-in-the-mouth. i lost my job but was then supremely lucky to get another one within a couple of months. instead of the endless treadmill of self-improvement, maybe it’s better to take myself out of the resolution question in 2021 and focus on larger ills. this year, i plan to just give cash regularly to a charity, a non-profit or an organization that’s trying to address the yawning disparities in the health and well-being of those who are rich and those who are not, a gap that’s worsened at an alarming rate amid the pandemic.