advice: 'i can't stop cheating on my husband'

dear asking for a friend,i fell in love and married my husband when we were both in our 20s. three kids and fifteen years later, we are at a place where we can finally breathe a little and focus on each other. from the outside in, i have it all, which is why i am so ashamed to admit that in the last five years, i have had multiple affairs. sex with these men is not that great, but what keeps me hooked is the rush that i feel from the chase. while sex with my husband is typically off the charts, over the years, he has become distant and emotionally unavailable in other parts of our relationship. we never spend quality time alone anymore unless we are having sex. what’s wrong with me and why can’t i stop cheating?signed, unfaithfuldear unfaithful,the rush you are describing is caused by the release of dopamine, the feel-good chemical in the brain that’s triggered by feelings of excitement and arousal. no doubt you have considered that the cost of this temporary high could be your marriage. it sounds like you still care about your husband, though your relationship lacks a bit of oomph — but an affair is not the antidote to relationship restlessness. if you’re willing to put in the work, it’s possible to let go of the emotional blocks that lead you to cheat in the first place.“a person who wants to stop cheating needs to be honest with themselves and have people in their lives who can be honest with them,” says nat roman registered psychotherapist at couple therapy toronto. “they may need to go through periods of loneliness and loss to recognize that their choices have been shallow and selfish. they may also need help from a therapist to do some healing work around early life relational trauma and fears of abandonment before they are capable of remaining in a respectful, committed relationship.”roman says that couples can move past infidelity and restore trust and love if the relationship prior to the betrayal was healthy and fulfilling, if the cheater shows remorse, and if both partners can be honest about their fears and motivations.“it is certainly possible to repair a relationship after an affair if both partners are committed to the healing work,” says roman. “this is not easy, and each person has to be able to be honest with themselves and be willing to go through the pain, fear, anger and insecurity that often accompanies trying to heal from this kind of betrayal.”in general, men are more likely than women to cheat. in a recent study, 20 per cent of men and 13 per cent of women reported that they’ve had sex with someone other than their spouse while married. narcissism, convenience, lack of emotional connection with their primary partner, decreased sexual desire, abandonment issues and fears of intimacy are just some of the reasons for the indiscretions.but the gender infidelity gap is not as wide as we think, and both men and women outsource their desires for similar reasons. esther perel, a belgian psychotherapist, author and international expert on sex and relationships, suggests that affairs have nothing to do with your partner and everything to do with your desire to transform your life. if she is right, an affair can be a catalyst for change — a way to reimagine your marriage and reinvent yourself.instead of investing your time in men who deplete your physical, sexual and mental energy, try to rebuild your relationship and work on your marriage. be willing to compromise and ask for what you need, like quality time with your husband outside of the bedroom. five years is a long time to carry on with multiple affairs, especially if you’re not connecting emotionally with these men or at least having mind-blowing sex.is there something about health that you (or a friend, wink, wink) have always wondered about, but are too embarrassed to ask? send a note to info@healthing.ca. we promise your ‘friend’s’ secret – and identity –  is safe with us.don’t miss the latest on covid-19, reopening and life. subscribe to healthing’s newsletter coming out of covid for daily updates on the top 世界杯决赛2022 and the healthing weekender delivered to your inbox on saturday.