powered by:
valneva canada inc.
advice: i had sex and didn't tell my partner that i have herpes
not telling your partner that you have a sexually transmitted infection is not only uncool — it's not fair.
aug 28 2020
2 minute read
getty
dear asking for a friend,
i performed oral sex a couple of times on my boyfriend, which in itself isn’t a big deal, except that i carry the herpes simplex virus 1 and 2 and i haven’t told him. we also had vaginal sex. i didn’t have an outbreak at the time and there were no blisters on my mouth or genitals at the time. still, i feel so badly for not telling him. should he be tested? and how can i talk to him about it?
signed, feeling bad
dear feeling bad,
you aren’t the first person not to divulge their sexual health concerns to their partner. people with herpes typically avoid sex during an outbreak and practice safe sex when the infection clears. there are no hard and fast rules about how to tell your significant other, but if you stay mum, you’ll likely feel more anxious. plus, we think that if the situation was reversed, you would want to know.
genital herpes type 1 can be transmitted through oral-to-oral contact, like kissing or sharing a toothbrush, and herpes type 2 can be acquired by having unprotected sex with someone who already has it. and although it’s rare, the virus can also be activated after having hyaluronic acid filler lip injections , usually within 24 to 48 hours after the procedure. herpes is most contagious when there is an outbreak, but it can also be passed to your partner even if there are no visible symptoms. with treatment, herpes can be managed, but not cured.
advertisement
advertisement
“genital herpes is very likely to be transmitted if there is sexual activity during an outbreak of herpes blisters or sores,” says ceara mcintyre, education coordinator at planned parenthood ottawa . “however, genital herpes can also be transmitted without an active outbreak, when there are no herpes blisters or sores. therefore, since people often avoid sex during an active outbreak, it’s actually more common for people to transmit genital herpes during sex when there is no outbreak.”
telling your partner you have a sexually transmitted disease can be stressful, but it’s important. you can make it less awkward if you share the news in a relaxed setting, gently introducing the topic by saying something like “i had my annual pap smear and it looks like i have the virus that causes herpes.” the next step would be to reassure your partner with, “luckily, there is treatment that can help prevent and relieve outbreaks” and wrap up with “have you been tested before?”
it’s hard to say how a conversation like this is going to go. a lot depends on the strength of your relationship and how willing you both are to accommodate each other’s concerns and worries. the bottom line though is that any partner deserves to know if the person they are intimate with has an infection or disease that can be transmitted sexually. you can’t undo the past, but don’t let it ruin your future.
share story
