juhl: are the children of polyamorous parents ok?
quebec researchers interviewed 18 children from polyamorous families to determine how kids connect with their parents’ partners.
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olivia’s husband’s name is marc. her boyfriend’s name is also marc. it’s fine, people know who she’s talking about because of context, or because she’ll call them husband marc and boyfriend marc. the kids call the second one their “funcle.”
the former montrealers, whose names have been changed to protect their family’s privacy, have been in a polyamorous relationship for a few years.
polyamory is a form of ethical non-monogamy, when people engage in two or more simultaneous romantic, platonic or sexual relationships. everyone in the “polycule” is aware of the other relationships. recent studies suggest around one in five canadians have had a consensual non-monogamous relationship, which can also include swinging or open relationships.
a turning point in their 16-year marriage came in 2019, as olivia accepted her bisexuality and was exposed to the concept of ethical non-monogamy.
“i was raised conservatively, so i struggled to accept my own sexuality,” olivia says. “this sounded like an option that could allow me to explore that and maintain my current loving and stable relationship. we went into this knowing that our foundation is strong and if things became difficult or the foundation was shaken, things could return to the way they were.”
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two of their three kids are teenagers who live at home; they knew they’d have to talk to them about it, eventually. but they didn’t expect the kids to bring it up.
that happened in early 2020.
“we sat right there in the kitchen that night and explained everything,” olivia says. “i explained my changing sexuality and what our hopes were for becoming a non-monogamous couple.”
avery, who was 13, appeared unmoved, she says. kaden, 11 years old at the time, was worried it meant their parents were getting a divorce.
“i did my best to comfort and reassure them with the truth. i explained that mommy and daddy love each other very much and we’re really good friends, too. good friends work really hard to make their relationship happy and this is something we’re trying that could make us even happier.”
olivia didn’t know it then, but her instincts are backed up by research.
quebec researchers interviewed 18 children from 10 different polyamorous canadian families to determine how children connect with their parents’ partners. the findings were published in august in the journal of social and personal relationships.
many of the families they spoke with had become polyamorous in recent years, so they had to come out to their children, and most partners did not live in the family home. the kids, who were between five and 16 years old, reported they appreciated open communication and that their rhythm was respected as new partners were introduced into their lives.
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“with the teenagers we talked to, this was something that was important to ensure a smooth transition when integrating someone new in the family universe,” says lead author milaine alarie, an affiliate professor with the institut national de la recherche scientifique’s urbanization, culture and society centre and an expert in consensual non-monogamy.
“we do know from research on stepfamilies that the emotional closeness between children and their parents’ romantic partners is not automatic and some children might have difficulty. … they wanted to tell other parents that if that’s what you want to do, make sure to take the time to talk to them, hear what they have to say and respect their boundaries.”
the kids described the partners as people they have fun with and whose children become part of their wider family. younger children are more likely to reference their material well-being, such as getting an extra present on birthdays or visiting a partner’s home with a pool or a dog.
“when we compare ages, we found younger children and preteens were more likely to be close with the partners,” alarie says. “the teenagers were more likely to call them people who contributed positively to their parents’ lives.”
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none of children expressed animosity toward their parents’ romantic partners. one 16-year-old who has since come to terms with her mother’s relationships reported she had been apprehensive at first.
“i was like: ‘what is this s–t show?’” she told the researchers. “growing up, we’ve been told that you can only love one person, that you have children with that one person … and now, what? us children, we need time to adapt, to prepare ourselves.”
“the issue is the lack of language,” alarie says. “they’re stuck with the language that already exists. they could not find words that describe with precision the structure of their family and what these people mean to them.”
“we really have faced that challenge of how to introduce them when they meet other friends or family,” olivia says. “i mentioned the term ‘funcle,’ and i laugh because it’s such a silly name. but kaden came up with that to describe boyfriend marc’s place in their lives.”
kaden says he’s got good dad vibes, but he’s really playful and goofy, “so he’s like a fun uncle.” husband marc’s girlfriend bea is simply bea for now.
“there will never be another bea,” olivia says. “she could easily assume a mother role and always gives excellent guidance to the children. the kids know she respects them as individuals and she is an active part of our lives.”
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the researchers had expected the children to talk more about societal stigma and while some did say they were careful about what they reveal to certain friends, they spoke positively about their families. family diversity is so well accepted, it’s not unusual for three or more adults to take care of one child, alarie says. they blend in.
“the reactions (outside research) when i talk about the topic are more positive now than 10 years ago,” she says. “people used to confuse polyamory with polygamy or gender equality issues. there are still a lot of misconceptions.”
yet the mental-health and legal worlds have yet to catch up. finding therapists or social workers who have a true understanding of polyamory can be difficult. it’s hard to know who to talk to without being judged, alarie says. that’s why studies like these are so important, she says, to encourage the creation of programs and social policies that serve the diverse needs of such families.
“it’s not possible in quebec to recognize more than two parents for one child, even though that child might have three parents. that’s complicated in the case of separation or custody battles, or with a medical emergency. let’s say that the child has an emergency, goes to hospital and the third parent shows up. that parent cannot make a medical decision for the child.
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“some provincial courts, in ontario, british columbia and newfoundland and labrador, have recently opened the door to the legal recognition of multi-parent families. so it can happen. but that’s not the case in quebec so far.”
the legal paperwork was taken care of quickly when n.d.g. resident warren baird’s daughter kaia was born 17 years ago.
he and his partner blue have been together for 30 years and she has been with her partner jbash for more than 20 of those years. jbash had been living separately, but when blue became pregnant, the three of them had a discussion and jbash felt he had to “step in or step back.”
“we concluded that we would be very happy to form a family,” baird says, and they have lived in the same house ever since.
when kaia was a baby, they consulted a lawyer and discussed the possibility of getting legal recognition for their family. the lawyer was willing to take on the government, “but she estimated it would cost hundreds of thousands of dollars in legal fees.”
instead, they got their wills in order and set up legal mandates assuring jbash would have custody in case something happened to baird and blue.
all three had other partners while kaia was growing up, and baird says there was never any formal protocol for introducing them, “she was just used to other adults being around the house.”
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plus it was nice to have three adults to one child.
“it meant that we could do other things, we had the time and energy to do that,” baird says. “we built a formal two-week rotating schedule that hasn’t changed in a decade, where we have three family nights and then blue and i have dates together and jbash and blue have dates together, and each adult has ‘date nights’ with kaia.
“she’s always had someone there if she needed them. someone who is a parent. she’s always felt she had our protection in a very close way.”
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