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juhl: how can you help a child whose heart has been broken?
this is going to suck. and it's going to suck when they start blasting breakup tunes.
jun 28 2024
2 minute read
in the midst of a friend or romantic breakup, your child will say the two things that are hardest to hear: “you don’t understand!” and “go away. i want to be alone.”
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beginning an essay with a quote is often just lazy, but one can be forgiven if the quote is from the princess bride.
life is pain, highness. anyone who says differently is selling something.
a child’s first heartbreak comes early but is fleeting. you’ve put them down in their bassinet, or the milk has run out. those heartbreaks are easily fixed. you hold them. you bring them to bottle or breast. you soothe them.
it’s the later heartbreaks that cut deeper. when they don’t want to be at daycare and you absolutely must leave them. when they lose their favourite stuffy. when someone is cruel to them. still, those can also be soothed. you can still hold them while they cry.
later still, as they separate from us and develop deeper bonds outside our homes, there are heartbreaks we cannot mend. we can be nearby, but they have to do it on their own.
in the midst of a friend or romantic breakup, your child will say the two things that are hardest to hear:
“you don’t understand!”
“go away. i want to be alone.”
you don’t understand. you are not this person in this moment. you have to leave them alone, at least for a time. you have to be in another room where you can only hear their crying. this is going to suck.
it’s going to suck more when they start blasting breakup tunes.
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give them the space they need, though they cannot be left alone forever. the sooner you can get them back into routine the better.
you can’t fix this. they have to work on it themselves, and they will probably turn to their friends before you. it’s a normal part of growing up and away. remind them that you’re there for them.
do stuff with them. go out for lunch, watch a movie, ask them about the music they’re listening to, play video games with them. nowhere drives are a great opportunity for opening up, especially because your child doesn’t have to look you in the eye when they talk with you.
when they are ready to talk, listen without judging the situation or their emotions. be empathetic and save your own stories of anguish for another time, because this isn’t about you. do not say “i told you so” or “there are plenty of fish in the sea” under any circumstances. you must talk with them about red flags in relationships, but this moment might not be the time.
keep an eye out for more serious fallout, such as a sudden change in friend groups, extreme withdrawal from family and friends, persistent moodiness beyond their normal. the montreal children’s hospital has useful information on recognizing depression in teens at thechildren.com .
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people who are struggling emotionally can call info-social at 811, option 2 or the suicide crisis helpline at 988, or 911.
this won’t be your child’s last heartbreak. it’s a practice run for a future hurt. it’s a practice run for you to show them that you will always be there for them, just like when they lost their favourite stuffy.
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