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juhl: how do you talk to teens about red flags in relationships?
when we see our kids in a bad relationship, our instinct is to put an end to it. but hold on. forbidding them to see each other can backfire.
aug 18 2024
3 minute read
we should also consider whether our past traumas and deep need to hold our kids close is affecting our perspective. there are people who aren't bad, they're just not good for us.
john-kelly
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getty images/istockphoto
on narrow roads that are made up of sudden twists and blind hills, country drivers will flash their headlights — blink, blink, blink — to alert oncoming traffic to obstacles. they are letting others know there is a family of turkeys crossing the street or a truck stopped on a thin shoulder ahead.
it’s a red flag warning. the oncoming driver then chooses what to do with that warning, such as slowing down or putting on their hazard lights to alert people behind them.
as parents and caregivers, we have the luxury of decades of experience to suss out unhealthy traits in others. when we see our kids with someone we feel isn’t a good match, we start waving flags to call their attention to it.
we want it to end right away. but hold on a minute. close your eyes and count to 10. forbidding a relationship might backfire on you.
helping children to recognize red flags begins when we teach them empathy, sharing, and that such things as name-calling and pushing are not ok. we show them how to stand up for themselves and remove themselves from a situation before it escalates.
when they start dating, the stakes become even higher.
a few red flags
controlling, manipulative. a person might make all the decisions for the couple, then belittle, make fun of or use guilt so their choices seem like the only option. it can look like always deciding where on campus to eat lunch, what movie to see or how physically intimate they become.
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not letting them speak. everyone has a friend who’s chatty and can go non-stop; usually that’s just fine. it becomes a problem when their stories or problems are told to the exclusion of anyone else’s. everyone deserves to be heard.
jealousy and anger. a controlling person will use tears, anger or threats to keep their partner from spending time with others. isolation from friends can happen so slowly, your kid might not notice it’s happened. then they might not know how to reverse it. jealousy is a natural emotion, so it’s important to talk about what that looks like in a healthy relationship.
not feeling good after spending time with them. it might seem easy to sit back and let someone else do the driving, but it’s emotionally exhausting to worry that one wrong sentence or suggestion will lead to feeling guilty or stupid. a teen in this position might feel they can’t talk to anyone, that they have to keep secrets, make excuses and over-explain when they’re challenged.
throwing them under the bus. a controlling person will shift blame, outright lie and make their partner believe they’re at fault. if your teen is always feeling bad and guilty, there’s a problem.
what to do
before taking action, consider whether our past traumas and deep need to hold our kids close is affecting our perspective. there are people who aren’t bad, they’re just not good for us or our teens. that line can be very thin.
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none of the following tips apply if you feel your child is in danger. there are resources below to get help in those situations.
avoid forbidding a relationship. if they’re in love, they’re going to do whatever it takes to be with that person. express your concerns without bashing their partner. it won’t help to use the term “red flag,” which they’re familiar with from friends and social media but can mean different things to different people. give specific examples instead.
listen and ask questions. try to find out how their partner treats their own family, teachers and peers. rather than a vague “how’re you feeling?” which will get you a shrug, ask how their date or phone call went and then be quiet and listen.
teach them to trust their gut. this goes so much deeper than trusting their caregivers’ experience. after all, they didn’t trust us that time 10 years ago when we told them not to put their tongue on the frozen pole. reinforce the lesson we’ve been teaching since daycare: if something doesn’t feel right, listen to your instincts.
when it all falls apart, don’t say i told you so. that’s not going to help anyone, and it can damage your relationship. they need your love and their own space. like that time their tongue got stuck on the pole, they’ve learned the lesson the hard way.
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at a glance
kids help phone. free, confidential support for young people, available 24/7. kidshelpphone.ca , 1-800-668-6868, text 686868.
tel-jeunes. professional, free support service for youth. teljeunes.com , chat via the website (8 a.m. to 10:30 p.m.), 1-800-263-2266 (6 a.m. to 2 a.m.), text 514-600-1002 (8 a.m. to 10 p.m.).
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