malachite
this green copper mineral is recommended for love and transformation. askinosie writes, “it encourages breaking up with negative habits in relationships so that you can be vulnerable and learn to give and receive love.” yes, the rock is an active participant. no, you can’t ask any questions, just hold the rock over your heart chakra and shut up.
tiger’s eye
this golden-brown gemstone is supposed to give you prosperity, willpower and strength. without a hint of irony, she writes, “this stone challenges you to look into the eye of the tiger and face your fears head-on.” cue the music.
tourmaline
the crystalline mineral tourmaline is supposed to protect you from negative energy, as well as warding it out of your environment should you choose to place it in the corners of your home or office. what kind of energy are we talking about here? thermal? nuclear? gravitational? maybe elastic?
no, we’re talking about negative energy, like when you’re headed to work and the bus drive-by gives you a full-body soaking you or when you’re ghosted. tourmaline will protect you from stuff like that by being a “personal energetic bodyguard.”
shungite
this non-crystalloid mostly made of carbon is for “purifying and neutralizing.” again what exactly is being purified or neutralized is unclear. is it my intestines? did i eat something that didn’t agree with me?