goop diaries: workout gear for clueless rich people

the first article on goop’s fitness page is entitled, “13 tools for a smarter, more efficient workout.” that sounds cool, and from any other source it would be reasonable to expect a few expert opinions on the best methods for certain exercises, or maybe a conversation on the difference between free weight and machine workouts.

designed by mobot, this water bottle is supposed to double as a foam roller for your workout. it’s labelled ‘athlete-grade’ as opposed to, i don’t know, ‘civilian-grade.’ anyone who donated to their indiegogo campaign in 2015 must have missed the memo that you can use any plastic or steel water bottle as a roller. the pointlessness is honestly impressive.

this one is only technically workout related, as its just an expensive massager. that’s it. athletes like kyrie irving do use it, but there’s no fundamental difference between this one and one you might find for a third of the price. goop says that “it’s designed to get into all your hard-to reach spots (like where the shoulder meets the neck),” which is a pretty low barrier to entry for “hard to reach.” save your half-grand and use a rolling pin.

i’ll actually have to give it to goop for this one, albeit with one big caveat (or one hundred smaller caveats). a cork yoga mat isn’t actually a bad idea. they’re antibacterial and antimicrobial. do you need a hundred dollar version? not at all.

while this sounds more like the first benefits package you receive when you first commit to scientology, it’s actually an exercise ball, two domes and an “infinity roller” (foam roller). it comes from ‘body whisperer’ lauren roxburgh, which is more of a terrible pickup line than an actual profession. her website markets a ’10 week taller slimmer younger transformation.’ now, i could be wrong, but i’m pretty sure that only the second part of that transformation is actually possible.

gingham does soak up sweat, but it’s basically a luxury sports bra for paltrow’s fellow socialites and part-time moms.

these headphones are actually neuro-primers in disguise. they send small electrical currents from your scalp to your brain in an effort to improve performance for athletic and movement-based tasks. science isn’t exactly one hundred per cent sure of its efficacy, although it is in use by the san francisco giants, the golden state warriors and other organizations. i’m still skeptical, if only for the fact that obscenely wealthy athletes have long practiced whacky ways of improving physical performance.

this thing looks like a black mirror vibrator, but it’s actually a bluetooth-enabled device for pelvic floor exercises. you “slip [it] in just as you would a tampon,” which can’t be a good thing. a member of their #squeezesquad (didn’t make that up, wish i had) claims it will improve the quality of your sexual performance and orgasms. it will not do that. you’ll probably be fine skipping their next cliteracy lesson (also real).

leave it to goop to turn something as straightforward as protein powder into gobbledygook. it has 18 grams of protein, which isn’t bad, but then we’re into mask off territory with their list of adaptogens — an unproven categorization for plants that supposedly helps manage any type of stress. of course, they don’t, except maybe as a placebo. then, we’ve got this utterly bizarre concoction, “a balanced blend of chaga, cordyceps, lion’s mane, and turkey tail mushrooms, which are meant to “support well-being from head to toe.” what kind of well-being you might ask? apparently, the kind that runs out after 10 days. that’s right, for the price of several months’ worth of powder you can get this brand instead, with an ingredient list that probably shares a few herbs with an ancient anglo-saxon magic draught.

for a little over the price of an ounce of gold , you can buy… this.  it’s an extremely expensive way to apply pressure to different leg muscles after a workout. maybe i’m a philistine, but do you need bluetooth for this? can’t you just use your hands? a bag of ice? literally any other blunt household object? it looks like it works, sure, but professional or competitive athletes are not the majority. you don’t need this.

this is a high tech sauna that is designed as a blanket . it looks like a body bag, but at least its got gwyneth’s favourite crystals, tourmaline and amethyst, for some reason. it’s amazing its made any money, since you can sweat for free.

be sure to work out in this uber-practical top .  although, i’m not sure what special benefits it gives me. there’s no mention of crystals, energies, or the four humours. paltrow really dropped the ball on this one.

these are one-pound weights you wear on your wrist. the amazon page seems to imply they’re somehow better than dumbbells: “traditional dumbbells build strength but limit your range of motion, interrupt your workout, and don’t travel well.” this hurts my brain, and i refuse to offer substantiative comment for the sake of my energies.

only the plebs use water and soap to clean themselves after a workout. showers at the gym are for the poors, says gwyneth.

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