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#askalyson: can i let my anxious kid skip class?

knowing how hard to push a child to overcome their anxiety is always a tough call.

by alyson schafer

mar 30 2021

4 minute read

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#askalyson: should i let my anxious kid skip school?

if your kid is stressed out about getting covid-19 in the classroom, should they stay home? getty

dear alyson,

it hąs happened twice in the last week. i am on a call for work, and my 10-year-old comes down and says he cannot go to school because he feels worried. his school has had a few cases of covid, and i know that he is a bit unnerved. actually to be honest, i am too. however, he also repeatedly complains about how boring school is, he feels it’s pointless and has said he doesn’t think the risk is worth it. i sometimes wonder this too. how can i know when his anxiety is valid? and when is it ok for me to permit
him to stay home? or is it?

signed, concerned mom

dear concerned mom,

many kids have been stressed about getting covid-19 at school, especially as we have moved through rolling closures and re-openings. while the situation keeps changing, parents are the ultimate decision makers for their family and what they deem to be best for their kids. anxious kids need strong leadership. be strong and confident for them.

to assess his anxiety level, look for some of these yellow flags; is he complaining about headaches or tummy aches? any there any noticeable changes in his eating or sleeping patterns? is he more irritable, withdrawn or clingy? trust your gut, parents can tell when something is up with their kid. check in with his teacher too. see if they have noticed anything that would indicate his anxiety is elevated at school.

let’s assume you discover there is some anxiety. knowing how hard to push a child to overcome their anxiety is always a tough call for parents. generally speaking, parents are too lenient. i would go so far as to say wayyyy too lenient. they don’t like seeing their child in distress and often suffer anxiety themselves. sometimes that empathy and compassion turns a parent into an enabler.

if he is only complaining, but not raging or panicking, he is likely not overwhelmed with his emotions and you can push on with sending him to school. be patient and kind, but firm on the decision that he needs to go to school today regardless. ensure him, you know he is safe and can manage through the anxious feelings.

kids who are anxious and worried need to face their fears in small progressive steps that they can manage. exposure helps children build up their stress tolerance. think of it as an inoculation experience. going to school is part of the cure for anxiety.

you can draw a thermometer with your child and label the gradient temperatures from one to 10 and have the child describe what it feels like in the calm range of one to four, the middle range of five to seven when they start feeling antsy and then the very anxious range of eight to ten. scaling with numbers can help a child communicate to a parent how anxious they are feeling. it’s also reassuring to a child when you promise that you won’t push them to face a stressor that puts them over a seven.

proving a little flexibility can help too. see if he can go to school and if his anxiety continues to grow and passes a seven, he can let his teacher know and you’ll come pick him up. some kids settle in once they get to school. it’s just the transition of leaving the safety of home or the feeling of being trapped at school that can makes their anxiety worse — an exit strategy can be calming.

another way to show some flexibility is to make an agreement that they can claim an “at-home mental health day” once a term. you can’t use your mental health day to avoid a test or presentation. but this flexibility is greatly appreciated by kids and shows them that we do understand sometimes you just need some down time. maybe you increase it to two times a month during covid.

now if he wants to avoid going to school because he feels it is boring and useless, he may well manifest anxiety to move him closer to his goal of not going to school. kids quickly figure out that stating you don’t want to go to school because you are bored doesn’t get you a pass. but if you are anxious, of course you can stay home, you poor thing!

just to be clear; his decision is pre-conscious. he is not faking being anxious. you can see his anxiousness. but ask yourself this: does he use his tools to get it under control? if he doesn’t stop to take deep breaths and make attempts to self-regulate then he may well know that it’s worth being anxious if it allows him to stay home.

i think the big nut to crack in this whole issue is finding out what the heck is happening with your son’s attitude about school. i suggest you get into a good conversation with him about his passing comments and complaints. what has led to school to becoming boring this year? does he need a more challenge curriculum? or is it because he doesn’t like his teacher? has he lost his friend group, so it’s boring being alone in class without friends? what is different now that makes school feel useless, when it didn’t before? how could it be made to feel useful again?

listen with curiosity and try to solve the issues together, including his teacher’s input on what might be possible. it could result in him learning from home, but if so — let’s make it for the right reasons and with the best results for his growth and development, emotionally, academically, and socially.

happy parenting.

alyson schafer is one of canada’s leading parenting experts. she can be reached at hello@alysonschafer.com or on twitter @alysonschafer.

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alyson schafer

#askalyson: can i let my anxious kid skip class?

knowing how hard to push a child to overcome their anxiety is always a tough call.

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#askalyson: can i let my anxious kid skip class?

knowing how hard to push a child to overcome their anxiety is always a tough call.

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