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#askalyson: how to talk about mental health with our children and family
mental health is a huge topic. complex topics require us to have many conversations over time.
jan 23 2024
4 minute read
important conversations are best had when you have some time to process the topic together and you have your child’s full attention.
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parents find it stressful talking to their kids (and frankly, even to other adults) about mental health issues. parents really want to make sure they say “the right thing” and “in the right way” and can get overly nervous about flubbing it up.
here are some tips to help guide you through the conversation:
1. don’t let the fear of mistakes stop you
having an imperfect conversation is better than no conversation at all. kids are trying to understand the world and without some guidance, the ideas they come up with are likely going to be wildly inaccurate. if it helps, you can even rehearse a few lines to help you when you get stuck or want to try again. something like:
“i am not sure, myself”
“i don’t know all of the answers either”
“i can look into that”
“i didn’t like what i said yesterday and want to try saying it again a different way.”
“that came out wrong – i am not saying what i mean. let me try that again”.
2. consider context: age, time, and place
mental health is a huge topic. complex topics require us to have many conversations over time. each conversation can build on the previous one. be mindful of your child’s development age and understanding so you don’t talk over their heads or overwhelm them. ask them what they have come to understand so you see how much knowledge they already have and correct any misunderstandings. important conversations are best had when you have some time to process the topic together and you have your child’s full attention. use the themes or characters in books or movies you’re enjoying together as a jumping off place to start a conversation.
3. key ideas to communicate
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there are some primary concepts about mental health that you want to explain to your children.
the first is that mental health is comparable to physical health. you aren’t just “sick” or “healthy” which wrongly implies that if there are only two buckets to be sorted into. instead, our health (mental or physical) should be understood as falling along a continuum. physically, you’re likely somewhere between a couch potato and an olympic athlete. you can always do more to maintain or improve your physical health. kids understand that, so explain that it is the same for managing your mental health. explain some ways: exercise, proper diet, meditation, good relationships, being helpful to others, having a goal or purpose, talking about feelings and more.
next, normalize that at some time in everyone’s life they are going to have some struggles or setbacks themselves or have someone close to them struggle with their mental health. it’s part of being a human, not some fringe group that has a problem. it could be any of a number of common ways humans can struggle, like anxiety or depression.
include that help is available and there is no stigma in reaching for help. explain that we have mechanics to do repair and maintenance on our cars, dentists looking after our teeth, and counsellors and psychiatrists specialize in helping us maintain good mental health. they are part of your health care team and are best consulted before things become a crisis. with good care, many mental health issues can largely be resolved through a variety of ways, including various therapies that range from art therapy, equine therapy to managing effective use of medications.
4. holding space for them to speak and share
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while professional help is very useful, there many moments when a parent can act as a therapeutic sounding board for kids in distress. letting them know they can speak freely about anything and helping them to feel heard and not judged is a key role for parents. they need to feel you understand what they are going through. they don’t need you to fix their problems.
remember, kids are very perceptive. if you are a critical parent who scolds a child for a poor report card, it’s unlikely they will believe you when you say, “don’t worry, you can tell me anything”. proving to your child that it’s safe to show you their vulnerabilities and imperfections and still be loved is something you have to prove to children every day, not just when issues arise.
and, while we can be a help to our kids, we can also have a blind spot for being a source of their issues too. family counselling can help discover unhealthy family patterns that can help restore better functioning. ask who they would feel comfortable talking to. maybe a coach? or special aunt or uncle? a best friend’s parent? and of course, post the number to kids help phone which is anonymous and allows 24/7 texting to a trained counsellor (text 686868).
5. share personal family history
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when age appropriate, it is good to let your child know about the family’s mental health history. anxiety, depression, alcoholism and more can run in families. children should be made aware they may have more of a proclivity towards these diagnoses so they can watch more closely for early indicators.
6. never lay blame or feel guilty
parents often feel guilty or blame themselves or someone else when their child has a mental health crisis. “a better parent wouldn’t have raised a kid with an eating disorder.” humans are very complex and there is no point in fault-finding or trying to find a single causation. effective parenting is stepping up and being willing to do what will be helpful now. be compassionate towards yourself.
i hope this is helpful.
happy parenting,
alyson
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