#askalyson: how to talk to your teens about digital well-being

every parent worries about the impact of their kids’ growing up online, and the best approach to quell these worries is education.

by alyson schafer

mar 15 2024

4 minute read

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every parent worries about the impact of their kids’ growing up online. of course, as parents, we need to protect our children and teach them how to manage in this new digital world because tech is not going away.

the best approach is education. now, if you have a typical teen, you know how much they like learning from one of their parent’s many “talks.” ummm – like, not at all! so, how can we approach this more effectively in a way that is likely to get processed and understood by our youth? here are some ideas that will help you talk to your teens about their digital well-being:

modelling

i can’t overstate how much your digital well-being models a healthy relationship and life balance to your ever-observing children. without saying a single word, you are teaching your children so much about how tech is integrated into your life. so, if you are the distracted parent who can’t put the phone down, stops to take pictures of everything, and plays games on your phone instead of starting a conversation while waiting in line, don’t expect your children to behave any differently.

start young

early adolescence starts at nine years old. children still usually listen and accept their parents’ ideas at this age with minimal push-back. if children have grown up with the idea that tech must be used responsibly and that it has been consistently enforced and supervised, they understand your parenting role and responsibility to ensure their well-being as they mature, too.

discussions, not lectures

teens have amazing minds and a lot to say about things happening in the world. when we bring teens into conversations and discussions, they are more likely to hear all sides of a topic. be curious about their thoughts, feelings, and emotions. ask questions like:

why do you think dangerous tiktok challenges are so popular?
do you feel anxious when you post on ig, waiting to see when and how your friends will respond?
how do you manage your emotions when you see pictures of a party you weren’t invited to? (see below for more content areas to cover in these discussions).

goal setting

teens don’t like rules imposed on them. instead, have a discussion about their goals. what would an ideal day look like? what marks do they want in school this semester? what does a healthy, balanced life with tech mean to them? ask how you can support them with their plan.

invite self-reflections and your concern

as expected, they will veer from their plan for reaching their goals, and instead of criticism or correction, a better communication skill with teens is to invite them to self-reflect and/or add your concern. it would look something like this:

have you noticed how you feel in the mornings on the nights you stay up late texting/gaming?
i am concerned you had a goal of wanting to break an 80% in chemistry this term, and the final is only a week away. is there something i can do to help support your goals?
would you like me to put up more guardrails on your tech to help you hit your goal if that is the issue?

non-judgmental approach

to avoid the classic battle of “parents versus teens and their tech,” stay non-judgmental in these conversations. comments like “you’re addicted to your phone” or “you’re becoming a gaming addict” make your teen feel you are anti-tech and that you don’t understand them.

if they feel that way about you and your opinions, they are much less likely to listen to you. and worse, they are also less likely to talk to you about anything negative happening online because they feel you already hate their tech and you have the power to take it away or limit it.

use real life examples

teens learn better when the information is relevant and relatable to their own lives. keep an eye out for real stories, either on the news or social streams, and use those as a jumping-off place. look for movies or fictional novels that have some of the themes you want to explore in your discussions. a film or documentary on how a girl was lured into sextortion is going to spark great conversations and be more informative than any “sit-down talk” about internet safety.

third-party experts

parents tend to be the most discounted source of information for their teens. so, if you can find teachers, family doctors, counsellors, coaches, or ted talks to be on the educational team, recruit them. i think every teen should follow tristan harris. he created the documentary “the social dilemma” and “the ai dilemma” that contain important information every teen should know.

content areas

during your conversations, be sure to include the following areas:

healthy screen time limits
good sleep hygiene
develop off-line hobbies and activities.
making time for “in real life” (irl) relationships with friends and family
streamlining distracting notifications and unhelpful apps
the power of social media to unknowingly shape our thoughts and beliefs.
how mental health can be impacted by online content and excessive use.
curated and filtered content does not reflect reality, especially in the day of ai.
pressure to participate in streaks, likes, etc., can cause an excessive emotional load.
online behaviour can show the worst part of human nature. irl people tend to treat people better.
online friendships are valid but don’t substitute for real human interactions.
online leisure pushes out time for irl activities and hobbies that significantly benefit health and well-being.

good luck and happy parenting!

alyson

alyson schafer

#askalyson: how to talk to your teens about digital well-being