if you dread family events, you’re not alone . gathering with relatives can bring up unpleasant memories, reignite sibling rivalry and highlight unresolved conflict and past resentments. and the more you replay old stories and relive old dynamics, the more stuck and angry.
“in an ideal world, families provide a safe haven for us — a place where all of our cares and concerns will be taken care of,” explains joseph eliezer , registered psychotherapist, clinical counsellor and author. “however, families seldom live up to our expectations.”
the expectations stem from our own needs, according to experts , and when they fall out of line with reality, it can fuel conflict and resentment, leaving us feeling frustrated, disappointed and unhappy.
advertisement
one of the best ways to regulate strong emotions is to simply observe them, reflect upon them, and allow them to pass without acting on them. you may find that if you can get those emotions to dissolve, your energy will change, and give way to some calm and clarity.
old resentments may also be holding you back from enjoying time with your family. feeling angry, bitter or even vengeful about something that happened in the past can cloud your judgment and perception, and negatively impact your health. in fact, one study found that adults who hold on to anger and hostility experience greater cognitive decline than those who choose to forgive — so there’s actually science behind the importance of letting bad feelings go. you don’t have to force forgiveness, but you can choose to move on.
advertisement
“it is important to remember that you have a choice in where you go and with whom you spend your time,” amy sedgwick, a drug and alcohol abuse counsellor, told bustle . “family gatherings can feel obligatory but the only true obligation you have is to yourself.”
and in case you aren’t sure how bad family gatherings are for you, there are warning signs, according to dr. gary brown , a licensed marriage and family therapist, including: if you live in dread of seeing your family, there is a history of unpleasant family gatherings, you experience anxiety or trouble sleeping when you think about spending time with your family, or you downplay how bad it is to others.
advertisement
“you really shouldn’t be in a situation where you are being chronically abused, mistreated, ridiculed, judged, and the blunt of your family’s cruelty,” he tells bustle . “being insulted and diminished on a routine basis is simply not healthy and your understandable need to avoid your toxic family may very well be the most healing thing you can do for yourself.”