#askalyson: setting boundaries can reduce stress in your family

if your child chooses your bedtime to get upset about overdue homework and friend troubles, it's time to teach them to have their meltdowns on your schedule.

by alyson schafer

published nov 04, 2022

5 minute read

join the conversation

5 minute read

join the conversation

if hosting family dinner is going to push you over the edge, say no.

learning to say no and not feel that you’re missing out or letting someone else down is what a boundary is all about. getty

dear alyson, our family had a good launch back to school but as we approach exams and the pace of extracurricular activities is speeding up, the stress in my family is going up again, and my patience is growing noticeably shorter. my kids act like everything is fine until something is due at school the next day, and then it’s 11 p.m. — when i want to sleep — and they come to me upset and crying, telling me how much pressure they are under. then i end up staying up late dealing with their emotions and their homework, all the while also getting stressed and angry. i need to change this pattern.

signed, stressed

dear stressed,

what you described will resonate with many other readers — you are not alone.

all families would do well to learn the skills to manage the inherent stressors of life better. this can be highly subjective, of course. for example, i don’t get stressed when someone cuts me off in traffic, but others might blow up into road rage. i like the sound of rain hitting the roof as i wake in the morning, but a bride who has planned an outdoor wedding might hear that rain and feel something very different. yet the rain is still the same rain. it’s the story or the label that we generate for ourselves that creates the emotions.

while everyone is unique in how they interpret situations, children do have some common stories that cause them stress. we as parents can help them identify these stories and build healthy new ones. here are two common ones and their antidotes:

the perfection story: that any mistake or doing something less than perfect is surely going to devalue them as a person, that they will fall from good standing in our hearts, that they will be loved or liked less. that would be a very stress inducing story — i’d cry too!

the antidote: show them that mistakes are simply a part of the learning process. model doing things poorly yourself and laughing them off lightly — don’t dwell on their marks, but instead focus on their efforts and improvements. celebrate being good enough.

the overwhelm story: a child may feel that they are so behind and have so many things due that they can’t do it all, so they collapse and want to do nothing. they’d prefer to drop out of school or not hand in anything since they don’t believe they can dig out from under it all.

the antidote: as the writer ann lamott famously wrote in her book of the same name, you take it “bird by bird.” we need to break life down into small doable chunks and stop looking at the immensity of it all. a parent can help children break down the overwhelm by coaching them to stay in the small task at hand and leaving the thoughts of everything else that’s due behind them for the time being. we have to train them to silence the voice in their head that says, “it’s no use, you’ll never do it,” which kills motivation, and instead hear, “right now at this moment, i only have this to focus on.” it’s a skill set to develop our ability to manage our thoughts and emotions, but there are many kid-friendly apps that can help, including kidevolve, calm, reveri, and mindset.

it’s ok to say no

another important way to reduce stress in the family is to learn how to keep good boundaries and say no. jane fonda once said that it took her decades to realize that “no” was a complete sentence. you don’t need to justify anything to anyone.

make your manageable plan for the family and don’t let others pull you off course. there will always be people who want something from you — a salesperson selling you duct cleaning, a retailer asking you to fill out a short customer service survey, a committee that would like you to volunteer, or a neighbour who asks if you can water their plants while they are away. there will always be demands for your time and attention, and you can’t succumb to all requests. and sure, it would help them, but what about you?

you must hold onto the power to decide what you will and won’t put your time and energy into. decide what is important to you and your family, what you will and won’t take on this year and stick to your plan, just like a ceo running a business has to stick to quarterly goals.

learning to say no and not feel that you’re missing out or letting someone else down is what a boundary is all about. for example, a boundary could be that you go to bed at 11 p.m. and if your child wants homework support, you are not available. if they cry, of course give them a hug, listen for a short time and then tuck yourself back in and let them know you have faith that they’ll manage. and give them permission to fail. they will learn to have their meltdowns on your schedule. that might sound mean, but in fact, you are being both kind and firm.

look at it through the lens of the saying, “when did your poor planning become my emergency?” if your child forgot his hockey helmet, you don’t need to race down to the arena to bring it to him. you can simply say, “i am so sorry you are in a pickle. your hockey equipment is your responsibility, and i am sure you’ll never forget it again after this great disappointment.” or, you can decide not to host the family holiday dinner, and say firmly, “we love you all, but this year in particular, we need the holiday break to decompress, so i’ll have to pass on the hosting this year.”

hopefully, with some practice these approaches will help you to not only de-stress yourself, but also reduce the stress your family feels, while teaching your children important stress and time management skills.

alyson schafer is one of canada’s leading parenting experts. she can be reached at hello@alysonschafer.com or on social media @alysonschafer.

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