#askalyson: my child has decided she wants a career in the military

we are grooming our kids to be competitive, combative, and impressed with superiority more than we are fostering attributes of caring and compassion. this isn’t a parenting mistake — it’s a cultural atrocity.

by alyson schafer

published jan 27, 2023

4 minute read

join the conversation

4 minute read

join the conversation

passion doesn't mean you know what you're getting into

youth are often totally naive about what the jobs are actually about and what is required to get into many occupations. getty

dear alyson, my teenaged daughter has decided to join the army. i am doing my best to support her, but i can’t help but worry about her safety and also question whether or not her decision is based on passion, or if she is following this concerning interest her friends seem to have in using weapons. how can i have this conversation without pushing her away or making it a confrontation?

thanks for the question. it brings up a lot of thoughts that i would like to share.

let me start with a short rant about how children learn the idea of using weapons and aggression for good. they learn this from our society starting at a very young age. according to a survey conducted by the national audiovisual council, more than 65 per cent of cartoon scenes contain violence. add to that the content of movies, gaming, nasty social media posts, or violence in porn. our kids are fed a constant stream of content that glorifies domination by aggression which can be justified by some form of superiority.

we are grooming our kids to be combative

this doesn’t occur in other cultural settings. we are grooming our kids to be competitive, combative, and impressed with superiority more than we are fostering attributes of caring, compassion and co-operation. this isn’t a parenting mistake — it’s a cultural atrocity.

okay, tirade over. let me move on to answering your question more directly and with some practical guidance for all parents whose kids are making occupational choices for possibly the wrong reasons.

firstly, i really appreciated that you already suggested starting with a conversation that is not going to push them away or bring on conflict. i agree. the best approach is to begin by being super curious. listen and ask questions in a way that really shows you are being attentive to understanding them, rather than judging them. you are getting to know them and what makes them tick, not cross-examining them. often, we learn surprising information. some kids want to get military training to take the financial burden off the family for post-secondary education.

also, remember that children change their minds a lot about what they want to be when they grow up, so don’t let their idle dreaming out loud send you into a panic. in fact, if your daughter touts that she wants to be a pole dancer or find a career where she can legitimately beat someone up, it could be she is simply trying to provoke a fight with you, not plan her future. teens like to push their parents’ buttons by rejecting family values. i often hear teens say, “i am not going to college” just as a way to vent frustration when studying for a high school exam. sometimes we must take things with a grain of salt. you can still state your values, with a simple, “that’s a choice you can make — but it seems a misuse of your talents in my humble opinion,” and move along. or, “your career is your choice, but i don’t think violence solves violence.” enough said at this point.

children today are exposed to a lot of violent content, so much so it could be considered grooming. getty

research together the responsibilities of the chosen career

secondly, youth are often totally naive about what the jobs are actually about and what is required to get into many occupations. if they reach the age and stage that they are very seriously going to make a decision, i would move the discussions towards sharing some of your concerns and offering to do research together on what the career actually entails and talking to people who have been in the military or policing or whatever career they are pursuing. they likely have misconceptions about what a day in the life of a soldier is.

i would also discuss the mental health concerns of the occupation. much like emergency room doctors or first responders, they are going to experience traumatic events, and have they thought about the likelihood of suffering ptsd or other mental health issues that are significantly higher for those in these careers?

being passionate doesn’t always mean you know what you’re getting into. i knew someone who went into veterinary college because they loved animals, only to realize that all they did was work with animals that were sick and suffering. she would have been more suited for training service dogs. a career or guidance counsellor can help your child find matching options they hadn’t considered.

thirdly, the average person makes something like three to five major career changes these days. even once you’ve expressed your concerns, and they have decided to enter that occupation, we have to be supportive and always allow them the opportunity to change their mind without feeling embarrassed or ashamed. the last thing you want is a kid hanging onto a job that they are miserable in because they didn’t want a parent to say, “see, i told you so.”

on a last note, to the parent who wrote in for advice, maybe your daughter would like to try training in the martial arts, boxing or mma fighting until she decides. at least then she is facing an opponent who has willingly entered the ring with the same interests and intents.

alyson schafer is one of canada’s leading parenting experts. she can be reached at hello@alysonschafer.com or on social media @alysonschafer.

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