the other good news is that youth today are more tolerant of embracing differences, so saying, “i am good, but you go ahead,” is not social death.
my advice is to let your daughter know that you are really happy that she is getting out and making friends, and get her thinking about what good friend groups look like. for example, good friends never pressure someone to be something they are not, or do something they don’t want to do. let her know she is a worthy friend, as she is, without changing one iota. she just needs to find her people.
if she wants to continue with this group, let her know your own personal values are to be law abiding and not underage drink, and that you trust her to manage in a world that will present opportunities for her to drink.
but while you believe in her, she also needs help with actual skills and strategies to help navigate complex situations. these include things like, bringing your own drinking cup so no one knows it’s non-alcoholic. or, together, come up with a few good lines that allow her to say no to alcohol and save face, such as, “i am on medication that you can’t take with alcohol” or “i would love to – but i have a doctors appointment in the morning and they are taking blood so i gotta be in good form” or “i overdid it yesterday, and can’t do it again tonight.” there are many more, so brainstorm together until she finds a few she likes.