6 minute read
and while i felt a bit put upon by this stranger’s comment, i have to admit, he’s not the only one who has felt compelled to evoke a bit of snark after hearing about my pandemic reno. just that morning, a friend texted that the first monday after the new year is known as “ divorce day ” in law circles — the day google and family lawyers see a surge in questions about how to make a clean marital break. “seize the day,” she wrote, using the strong-arm emoji as punctuation.
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for sure, choosing to live under the same roof as your ex is not the usual route for divorcees. but taking a non-traditional approach to where you live post-marriage — especially when you are hoping to smooth the transition for kids — is not unheard of. some couples simply sleep in separate bedrooms . others take a “ birds nest ” approach in which the kids stay in the family home and each parent takes turns staying with them. yet others find creative ways of living physically separately in the same home, either by connecting two homes or like us, simply dividing the existing structure.
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most of these worrisome impacts seem to be driven by what a child tends to lose when their parents part ways — loss of time with the non-custodial parent (usually the father) and a drop in financial security as both parents split incomes and incur more expenses with new living arrangements. these kids also face the emotional stress that comes with the end of family traditions and daily routines. add in having to move into a new home — or divide their time between two — possibly change schools, and missing out on time with the grandparents of the lesser-involved parent, and there are mountains of reasons why deciding to divorce when you have children is not to be taken lightly.
it turns out that for every study that says divorce causes irreparable damage on children, there are just as many suggesting that ending a marriage can, in fact, be a positive. in her book, “we’re still family,” psychologist constance ahrons shows that many kids of divorce — a surprising 80 per cent — actually experience no lasting negative effects on grades, social adjustment or grades. contrary to what most of us assume — that kids need two married parents under one roof to be okay— she concludes that the opposite is actually true in many cases.
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in his work analyzing thousands of studies on childhood adjustment, lamb found that a child’s wellbeing isn’t so much defined by the existence of marriage and being under one roof as it is by a decent home life and a loving relationship with parents who aren’t stuck in conflict. his research also concluded that children benefit from emotionally stable parents who can focus on parenting, be emotionally responsive and provide love, and of course, are capable of providing resources such as food and safe housing. none of which, by the way, depend on the parents being in the same immediate living space.
and while what the physical act of divorce looks like may be changing, the literal concept of pulling up marital stakes is not new — and it certainly isn’t uncommon. in 2020, 2.7 million canadians ended their marriages, up from 1.8 million ten years earlier. in fact, most family law lawyers peg the average divorce rate in this country at almost 50 per cent of all marriages.
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there are an unlimited number of reasons people decide to split the sheets — the top three according to experts are a lack of commitment (75 per cent), infidelity (59 per cent), and conflict at 57 per cent.
sometimes, couples are already at risk for divorce before they even utter a single vow. apparently, if one partner smokes regularly, the chance of a couple calling it quits rises to 75 per cent. the odds drop to 50 per cent if one person wants children and the other not so much, while relationships in which the husband is significantly older or younger also face a higher likelihood of divorce.
