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coulter: navigating the teenage years – communication secrets for parents

it's time to shift our approach and actively listen to our teens.

by chris coulter

jul 15 2024

3 minute read

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raising teenagers involves various concerns, from academics and friendships to dating and social events. feeling uncertain about the right course of action or the best words is natural. getty images

the following passage is from “wake up, you could lose your teen to suicide: a father’s guide to dealing with teenage depression & anxiety”, a mental health and parenting memoir from advocate chris coulter.

this section, titled “navigating the teenage years: communication secrets for parents,” examines the approach parents can take for communicating with their children and emphasizes the importance of actively listening to and understanding each teenager’s unique needs.

chris coulter, a passionate mental health advocate, turned his personal tragedy into a mission after losing his daughter, maddie, to suicide in 2015. he has spoken at numerous conferences and worked with the non-profit how are you feeling, focusing on helping children understand and manage their emotions. through his story, we hope to shed light on the importance of mental health and emotional well-being.

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the familiar sight of an eye-roll from a teenager during a conversation is a rite of passage for most parents. these interactions often feel like one-way lectures, with teenagers asserting dominance and demanding that parents listen. the eye-roll quotient (erq) increases as these exchanges become more one-sided. but just as we didn’t appreciate such behaviour from our parents, we should question why it would be different for our children. it’s time to shift our approach and actively listen to our teens.

embracing the uniqueness of each teen

raising teenagers is an immensely challenging task, as each individual is different. despite our best efforts to seek advice and read books on the subject, we are still trying to prepare for the realities of parenting adolescents. observing our children, we realize they couldn’t be more distinct. what worked with one child may only occasionally yield results with the next. teenagers constantly change the rules, oscillating between withdrawal and boundary-pushing. it’s essential to remember that we are not alone in this journey, and every teenager’s parent has felt the same way. while it’s undeniably tricky, there are strategies to manage this phase and support our teens.

parenting with integrity

parenting with integrity means leading by example and not asking our teens to do something we are unwilling to do ourselves. being mindful of our behaviours is crucial, especially when using phones. if we expect our children to stay off their devices during specific times, we should be prepared to follow the same rules. when we hold ourselves to the same standards, we foster a sense of fairness and avoid conflicts that arise from double standards.

age-appropriate risks

relinquishing control goes against our instinct to be overprotective parents. however, we must grant our children the opportunity to take age-appropriate risks. this may involve allowing them to walk to school with friends at the age of 10, taking the bus independently at 12, or attending their first mixed-gender party at 14. as parents, we determine the appropriateness of each activity based on their age and maturity level. with each metaphorical shackle we loosen, we facilitate their growth and development. giving independence signals to our children that we trust them to make good decisions, positively impacting their development.

trying different approaches

raising teenagers involves various concerns, from academics and friendships to dating and social events. feeling uncertain about the right course of action or the best words is natural. when our initial approaches seem ineffective, persisting with the same approach in a louder or more aggressive manner rarely yields positive results. it’s crucial to remember the definition of insanity—trying the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different outcome. instead, we must be open to trying different approaches, even if it means stepping out of our comfort zones. persistence, adaptability, and an open mind will eventually lead us to find what works best for our teenagers.

taking parent timeouts

parenting can be exhausting, with constant arguments, messy bedrooms, and boundary testing. in moments of frustration, it’s crucial to give ourselves a timeout. just as young children benefit from regrouping and calming down, adults sometimes need a few minutes to regain composure. we can prevent saying or doing something we might regret later by taking a timeout. when calmer, we can respond more constructively and respectfully to our teens, fostering a healthier parent-child relationship.

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to read more from chris coulter’s powerful memoir, “wake up, you could lose your teen to suicide: a father’s guide to dealing with teenage depression & anxiety,” be sure to check out the full book on amazon.

coulter: navigating the teenage years – communication secrets for parents

it's time to shift our approach and actively listen to our teens.

embracing the uniqueness of each teen

coulter: the loneliness epidemic and teen mental health

mental and emotional health in schools: are they doing enough?

parenting with integrity

age-appropriate risks

trying different approaches

taking parent timeouts

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coulter: navigating the teenage years – communication secrets for parents

it's time to shift our approach and actively listen to our teens.

embracing the uniqueness of each teen

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parenting with integrity

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taking parent timeouts

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