#askalyson: helping your kids through a family loss

a child should know that grief is normal, that no one experiences it the same, that there is no right or wrong way to be sad about losing someone and that these emotions don't have a timeline.

by alyson schafer

published jun 29, 2023

3 minute read

join the conversation

3 minute read

join the conversation

we should all have life hacks to boost happiness

during periods of grief, our children need extra stability, says parenting expert alyson schafer. this includes keeping up family routines and creating opportunities for them to express their emotions. getty

my son is having a hard time with the sudden death of his uncle, who had been sick for a short time. i want him to know that it’s ok to mourn and be sad, but is there a way i can help him also continue to see happiness in his life? i am so sorry for your loss. grief is hard enough for adults who hopefully have developed some capacity and coping skills for sitting with uncomfortable emotions. our children, on the other hand, have not.

it’s imperative that parents provide a safe container so that we can help our children feel safe in any emotional state. no emotion should be too big for parents to handle. all too often, it’s parents who want to alleviate our children’s emotional suffering because we can’t handle their distress. “i am sad when my child is sad,” may well be true, but we cannot put the onus on the child to stifle their emotions so we can feel better.

it doesn’t sound like that is your motivation here, but i wanted to mention it in case other readers need to be made aware of this common parenting scenario.

no two people experience grieve the same

my advice would be to first normalize the child’s experience so they understand what they’re experiencing is absolutely fine. let them know that grief is not linear and no two people experience it exactly the same. there is no right or wrong way to grieve and there is no sequence or timeline that one follows. they are grieving the way they need to.

you can also explain that humans can have multiple emotions at the same time. if they feel happy or laugh at a joke, it doesn’t mean they are not holding the sadness of losing a beloved uncle. let them know that it is ok to be happy and still be grieving. it doesn’t disrespect the deceased or reflect their level of grief and caring. in fact, that is why we often have wakes and celebrations-of-life after funerals.

during periods of grief, our children need extra stability. keep up your family routines. create opportunities to express their emotions by allowing them cry. they may become more clingy and want to keep their life a little simpler and smaller as they can’t handle much more. try to accommodate as best you can.

we all need life hacks to boost our spirits

do an inventory together of things that lift your child’s spirits. being with friends, playing their favourite uplifting music, watching a favourite funny movie, or reminiscing together about some funny memories about his uncle. maybe it’s cooking together or being outside in nature and doing something physical. again, everyone is unique, but we should all have a personalized list of the life hacks that we can intentionally do to boost our spirits.

it’s important that you get the order of operations right. you don’t wait till you feel like going for a walk. you go for a walk when you don’t feel like it. you go because you know that the end result will be positive emotion and so you do it like filling a prescription.

but ultimately, they need to process their grief. it needs to be expressed and understood. perhaps they feel badly because they did something wrong and need to apologize, or they never said they loved them. if they have feelings of regret and remorse that are keeping them stuck, see if they can resolve this by writing a letter to their uncle now. once written privately, they can burn it. it never has to be read. the expression of thoughts on paper is enough to create the important emotional processing for healing to occur.

and lastly, if you feel their grief is unabating, you can always seek the help of a professional counsellor or therapist.

alyson schafer is one of canada’s leading parenting experts. she can be reached at hello@alysonschafer.com or on social media @alysonschafer.

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