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machado: what doesn't kill us doesn't make us stronger
could getting through the rough patches in life be as simple as being kind to yourself during the peaceful moments, so that when the hard times come, you know you have it in you to get through it?
apr 24 2023
5 minute read
studies have shown that what doesn't kill us, actually also doesn't make us stronger. getty
“i am trying to figure out how to manage the next crisis.”
a longtime friend and i were sitting in the warm sun on the patio of a downtown toronto café, sipping iced lattes, and watching a shiny red cardinal jump from branch to branch in the bare tree above us, calling for his mate through a matted bunch of twigs in his beak. she was exhausted, she said, resting her chin on one hand, and slowly massaging her temple with the fingers of the other hand.
it had been a rough bunch of years for her. from serious illnesses affecting her three children, the unexpected loss of her dad and family drama, to ongoing health crises with her mom and siblings, and most recently, her beloved step-dad’s cancer diagnosis, it’s fair to say that she deserved a break.
“i have realized that there will always be some kind of crisis happening in my family,” she said, sighing. “so then, i need to figure out how i can make it so i don’t get completely sucked in every single time. it’s just too hard.”
what she was talking about was resilience, but not really in the traditional sense — that unwavering ability to withstand stormy weather, move through it and recover relatively intact, mentally and physically. neither of us doubted that she had that in her.
how do you insulate yourself from the collateral damage of a crisis?
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what she was talking about went well beyond simply stepping up and getting through a rough patch — or a bunch of them. she was looking for answers on how to insulate herself from the collateral damage that stems from a crisis — not only the emotional impact (sadness, grief, hopelessness, anxiety) — but also the stress, fatigue, the effect on relationships and the time it takes away from other responsibilities, like children, work, our own health, all that tough times steal and manipulate. what she was talking about was how to create a buffer between herself and the bad stuff, so she wasn’t left paying the price — at least not full price — of when bad things happen. what she wanted to know was how to avoid the toll.
it was a tough question, for sure. part of the quandary is rooted in the fact that, unfortunately, no matter how many times something bad happens, managing it doesn’t get easier. (wouldn’t that be nice?) you may be familiar with the steps to take — what doctor to call, what meals to leave on the porch, what words to say — but every single time, crises, bad news, and loss deliver a very reliable one-two emotional and mental punch. every time.
so if we know that, it makes sense to prepare then, no? when it’s peaceful, calm, and there’s not a crisis in sight, perhaps after we take that deep breath and marvel at the fact that we’ve even made it this far, we should also take a moment to refill our tanks, reposition the fight gloves tightly up around our ears, and make sure our feet are planted firmly on the ground so they can’t be shaken or shifted — just in case.
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there’s more, though. like the emergency kit the experts say all of us should have in the back of our cars — the box with water, granola bars, bandages, a tire repair kit and blankets — perhaps we should also be using the downtime to take a quick peek at the state of our own personal emergency survival kit: are we hydrated? are we eating well? have we taken care of our bodies? how is our sleep?
turns out self-care lands in the top-five of almost every list of how to build a body and mind that can face a crisis without letting it seep in and turn us into an unhelpful pile of mush. the mayo clinic advises doing things you enjoy, having a consistent bedtime, eating a healthy diet, and practising relaxation techniques, like yoga and meditation; yale medicine suggests prayer and social connection; and the new york times outlines the importance of breathing exercises to interrupt stress responses.
that’s not to say that breathing deeply and chugging gallons of water will make the next very worst thing that happens to you easier to swallow. studies have shown that, contrary to the whoop-de-do adage, what doesn’t kill us, actually doesn’t make us stronger. in actuality, exposure to repeated trauma makes us more vulnerable to stress and mental health issues. in fact, an article published by the association for psychological science, quotes research showing that “the best way to go through life is by having nothing ever happen to you.”
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sigh. well, that’s really unhelpful.
but while having awful things happen to us may not make us stronger, they do help us refine our ability to cope, says dr. mark seery, who authored a study on the relationship between adversity and resilience. “the idea is that negative life experiences can toughen people, making them better able to manage subsequent difficulties,” he said.
perhaps the secret to getting through crises and preventing them from enveloping your entire being is as simple as being kind to yourself during the peaceful moments, so that when the hard times come, you have the strength to accept that although you might be messed up a bit, you do, in fact, have it in you to get through somehow. and when the hard times go, as they do eventually, and you settle into rebuilding your emergency survival kit, and there’s that twinge of anxiety because you can’t see what’s ahead of you, maybe there’s also comfort in what you can see — the one step that’s immediately in front that keeps you moving forward.
what about you? what have the rough patches in your life taught you? do you think they have made you a stronger person? more fearful? overwhelmed? what tools or strategies have worked to help you emerge intact? i’d love to collect insights on what worked, what didn’t, insights and advice for a future story on what it takes to get through the hard times.
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lisa machado is the executive producer of healthing.ca.
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