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when your partner leaves because you have a mental illness

alex's girlfriend ended their relationship over the phone after he shared that he had bipolar disorder.

by maja begovic

jul 28 2022

4 minute read

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partner abandonment: when mental illness ends a relationship

partner abandonment can be difficult to accept, but there are strategies that can help one navigate through this. getty

“alex,” who asked that we not use his real name to protect his privacy, is a graduate of a top university and a rising star in the tech industry. he plays soccer on weekends, is active in his community, and lives with bipolar disorder. he met a woman online and six months after their first date, he opened up about his mental health diagnosis. days later, she ended the relationship over the phone, candidly sharing that it was because of his mental illness. alex is on medication, he leads a healthy lifestyle and hasn’t had any symptoms in the past four years.

“it was shocking and all very surreal,” says alex. “i didn’t expect it — it was cruel and hurtful.”

bipolar disorder is a chemical imbalance in the brain that affects roughly one per cent of canadians. it impacts a person’s mood, the way they behave and process information, and while there is no known cause for it, evidence suggests that genetics may play a role. those with a bipolar disorder may experience a combination of manic and depressive symptoms, but with treatment, the condition can be successfully managed. in fact, 30 per cent of those diagnosed with bipolar disorder make a full recovery.

dr. michael lee zwiers, psychologist at lighthouse psychology services in calgary says that 25 to 40 per cent of canadians may be impacted by mental health and yet the pervasive stigma remains. one study showed that 50 per cent of people with a mental health disorder don’t receive the help they need because they worry that they will be perceived and treated differently, that their jobs and livelihoods will be at risk or that they will be abandoned in a new romantic relationship. the prejudice, discrimination and stigma directed at people with a mental illness can lead to harmful effects , including reduced hope, lower self-esteem, difficulties in relationships, friendships and at work, and in some cases, it can also exasperate psychiatric symptoms and hinder someone’s recovery.

partner abandonment can trigger anxiety

when it comes to dating and mental illness, zwiers suggests that some people may be supportive of a partner with occasional symptoms, such as with anxiety or depression, but less comfortable dating someone with a bipolar disorder, schizophrenia or borderline personality disorder, all of which may persist over a lifetime. when in a new relationship, he says that honesty is the best policy.

“some of the more profound mental health conditions should be shared early on in the relationship so that the other person doesn’t feel betrayed,” suggests zwiers. “if the relationship is going to work out, they will accept all of you, but if a new partner is uncomfortable, it means you’re not compatible.”

when a partner is abandoned because of mental illness or any other reason, this type of rejection can trigger a roller-coaster of emotions, including feelings of shame, anger, sadness, guilt, anxiety and embarrassment. there is evidence that suggests that recounting past emotional hurt or rejection results in increased brain activity so much so that it may even feel more painful than a past physical injury.

partner abandonment can be difficult to accept, but there are strategies that can help one navigate through this. a shift in language can help change one’s perspective and may empower them to think about the rejection differently — that it’s happening for them and not to them. practising self-love , turning to exercise or a new hobby , and talking to a trusted friend, confidante or a mental health professional can improve mental wellness and may help lessen the degree of negative emotions that may come up after the relationship ends.

don’t tell everyone about your mental health

while zwiers recommends that partners be honest with one another, sharing mental health struggles outside of the romantic relationship should be limited to a “circle of intimacy,” which often consists of someone’s biological or married family, children, and close friends. he says that it should be made clear to these individuals that they are being entrusted with personal information and there should be parameters in place in terms of who they can share the information with. acquaintances and work colleagues typically don’t fit within this core group.

“as you get farther from the core of the circle of intimacy, consider more carefully who you share what with,” advises zwiers.

since the breakup, alex has moved on. while he acknowledges that staying in a relationship with a partner who had a past with mental illness is a personal choice, his advice to those who choose to walk away is simple — provide proper closure, openly share feelings and do so in-person, and not over the phone or text. he says that if two people were in a loving relationship, a cold turkey approach isn’t the best way to handle the breakup.

instead, he suggests giving the other person an opportunity to reflect on and accept the decision — something he says is possible even when someone is living with or has a past with mental illness. offer to remain friends or acquaintances, but above all, get educated, show respect and consideration, and try to see the person behind the mental illness.

and while he has no regrets about sharing his diagnosis with his ex-partner, he has yet to determine how he will navigate that discussion in his next serious relationship. he hopes that his story will help others handle a similar situation with grace, and that those with an old-school mentality about mental illness can keep an open mind and have more compassion.

“there is a lot of misunderstanding and misinformation about bipolar disorder,” says alex. “what applies to one person doesn’t apply to all, but with treatment, it can get better, and we can live happy, full lives.”

if you or someone you know is struggling with mental health, there is help available. speak to a physician, a mental health professional or contact the centre for addiction and mental health (camh).

maja begovic is a toronto-based writer.

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when your partner leaves because you have a mental illness

alex's girlfriend ended their relationship over the phone after he shared that he had bipolar disorder.

mental illness and pain often go together. so why aren't we treating both?

genetics play a 'significant' role in risk of psychiatric disorders

partner abandonment can trigger anxiety

don’t tell everyone about your mental health

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when your partner leaves because you have a mental illness

alex's girlfriend ended their relationship over the phone after he shared that he had bipolar disorder.

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