what was it like emotionally?
it was devastating. i also went through denial, and i went through a period of anger, and depression.
for me, it was the losses that i experienced. the loss of work, because i was not well enough to continue work. there was the loss of energy, the loss of stamina, the loss of social life, because i was so immunocompromised, that it was not safe for me to be out and about with people. it was the loss of hair.
each loss was like a punch in the gut. not being able to work as an independent consultant meant that my income dropped significantly after the cancers, to 20 per cent of what i was used to earning. there was also the lack of purpose, because i did not have a work place to go or work to do when i woke up in the morning. that played havoc for my sense of self-worth. my social life was flourishing prior to the cancers. during treatment, i had to be away from people because of the risk of infection when my body was so fragile. it was a lonely time.
the losses were so, so, so, many. and i literally had to build myself back one cell at a time, and find out again who i was in the midst of all this.
it took me a while to get to that place of acceptance — you know, yes, this is my lot. and rather than waste energy on what i cannot control, i can move to radical acceptance, and then it was like, okay, we’ve got this now.